Saturday, September 26, 2009 ♥ 7:43 AM
Somehow it's already raining inside of me.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 ♥ 6:18 AM
I wonder...just how long more my knee will last...
Maybe... maybe if I don't do anything about it, and continue playing basketball as usual...
I won't be able to use my legs anymore.
I won't be able to use my legs anymore.
DIARIES... I have one very large diary. of her. It's in my heart and soul.
Thursday, September 17, 2009 ♥ 6:47 AM
天使累了
大概一年前左右罢，
我发觉自己不断地在寻找
能在何时何地
保佑我，
陪伴我，
总不让我孤单过日子。
奇怪的，
我找到天使了，
更想不到的是
我竟会不折手段，
夺取了联络天使的唯一办法。
当初，
天使还未降临我身边，
我觉得好寂寞。
可是我从未放弃，
一直和天使沟通，
尽我能力去了解她，
体会她的感受，
解开她心中的迷惑。
终于有一天，
天使被我感动了。
她接受了我，
附在我身边
随时跟着我一起走，
不管路有多长，
表面上的坑有多深，
她仍在我背后
推着我向前走，
鼓励，劝勉我。
天使能如此奋不顾身，
为我坚持下去，
我也不想让她失望，
我跑步时约了她，
天使不是个神秘的物质吗？
为何她飞了不久
久没体力了呢？
我放慢脚步，
在天使附近慢走，
与她聊天，
谈心事。
还记得有一次，
天使好好笑，
陪我这么久了
还不知我喜欢什么颜色。
我告诉了她，
想不到的是
她辛辛苦苦学了
还为我折了
一枚紫色的纸花。
到现在，
那朵花还在我桌子上。
每天起身和睡觉前都会望一下。
但是最让我看不惯的是
天使累了。
有一天，
在我面对人生其一的迷惑时，
想要天使在我身边
陪伴着我。
可是，
她却在那一天累了，
不再当我的天使了。
我试过几次留住天使，
让她继续留在我身旁。
但她拒绝了，
累了。
理由是累了。
累于我无数的埋怨，
累于我不听的诉苦，
累于留在我身边。
天使在临走前留下了
一枚吉他pick给我。
希望我会珍惜它，
用它来谈好吉他，
不再上自己的手指。
天使，
对不起！
我还是没办法使用它。
你累了，
走了，
它就成为我唯一的伴侣了。
天使累了，
其大原因是我。
我深深希望有一天，
天使恢复体力后，
会回到我身边。
只能这么希望。
直到那一天，
我会带着你送给我的
吉他pick
一直带在我身边，
让她暂时代替你，
成为守护我的天使。
希望它不会累吧？！ xD
Sunday, September 13, 2009 ♥ 4:37 AM
I'm always searching for you, always searching for your figure.
At the opposite train platform, or through a window into the back alley.
Or in my dreams...
Though I know there's no way you could be here.
I'll always end up looking somewhere for your smile...
Whenever I see you around, deep down.... my heart... it clenches up a little.
Although I am sad, time still continues to drift slowly forwards me. I clench my teeth tightly together, and could do nothing but endure the pain and hold back my tears.
With that thought in mind, I continued to gaze out over the landscape beyond the car's window... forever.
I still remember the time when you were sad, and I called to check. Through the receiver painfully pressed against my ear, your own pain was palpable. But... there was nothing I could do. I felt useless.
"Even now, I still love you..."
I wrote that in a text message that is still stored in my cellphone till this very moment.
But I'm sure even if we had written 1000 messages back and forth, our hearts probably wouldn't have moved even 1 centimeter closer.
Over these past few weeks, I've only wanted to move forward and touch that which I couldn't reach, though I've never been able to tangibly define what it was. Not knowing where those near intimidating thoughts came from, I simply continued to live. As things finally came into focus, I was in unbearable pain, knowing my heart had gradually lost its freedom and flexibility in bygone days.
And then, one morning...
When I realized I had completely lost my earnest and acute feelings from long ago, I knew I was at my limit and lost my mind...
Yesterday, I dreamt a dream. A dream from long ago. Within the dream, I was seated in a hall screaming with teenagers and performers. In the distance, the lights shimmering in front of me were set sparsely, far and wide. All that could be seen was the glorious orchestra, with you playing the musical instrument gracefully.
The new dawn, how I'll be from now on, and the words of love I could never tell you.
On this night, where it seems the stars will fall from the sky, I want to be truthful to myself.
And then, I wished, without hesitation, that one day, I would be able to see you perform in a bigger stage. Yes. I'll see you then.
If wishes do come true, I want to be by your side.
Again.
Friday, September 11, 2009 ♥ 5:51 AM
~ Losing out on life.... That's me.. ~
Saturday, September 5, 2009 ♥ 8:11 AM
I woke up this morning, knowing it's been the third night in a row that I have dreamt of her.
Why!? At times like these, when I'm trying to forget, why do I have to dream of things that hurt me most!?
Is there something I've not done? Am I still stuck!?
Just few nights ago, I was super happy to receive this msg:
Louise -Compared with previous nights, tonight you're actually euphoric. Hahaha. Night. :)
-Excessively happy. I much prefer this euphoric Kian Seong. Haha. Night.
I thought I had gotten over it mostly. I thought, for once, I could have led the normal life like usual. The one where she wasn't in it. I lied to myself.
Friday evening, I limped my way back home. My left knee got twisted or dislocated. Some shit like that. Each time I make high jumps or run as fast as I could to rescue the ball from reaching the outside boundaries, I push my left leg.
It's my first and only option for acceleration and jumping. Quite a lot of people cared for my leg, asked me not to run so much.
THANK YOU ALL!!! But, if I don't run, I won't ever get the joy of playing thrilling basketball, I'd be a burden to all my teammates.
AND because, I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT HERE...
On my way back, I had to pass by another basketball court. As I was walking through the grass, I noticed something pinkish caught my eye. I looked on the ground. Feng Ling Hua. A gust of wind blew and pretty soon most of the flowers that grew on the tree fell off.
A miracle. She once told me that the flowers only bloom once a year.. It bloomed twice this year. Funny huh. She was the one that found out about it and told me the name of it. And after that, I called her dumb and stupid. I regretted. The barren tree had most of its flowers on the ground now, leaving behind dried, balding branches...
When did the flowers grow? Why hadn't I noticed? It must've shown how deep I had been in my thoughts till I had forgotten my surroundings.
I wonder how my sleep will turn out tonight. Frankly speaking, somethings, the more you try to forget, the more you'll remember.
" Memories are never forgotten. They are only hidden. "
And I wished that I could turn back time, and hope you were still here with me..
I can only wish. Under the resonance of the full moon.
Friday, September 4, 2009 ♥ 1:20 AM
失去你的第四十四天， 心里（难过得很)
For two nights in a row, I've been dreaming of her. Here's the worst part, part of me felt like staying in the dream forever. Part of me felt like waking up on the spot. Because I know, no matter what happens, there's no reason we'd ever be together again. We don't even talk anymore either.
What makes things worse is that I've been having sleepless nights recently and I have been resolving to drinking Nescafe every morning in college to compensate for the 3-5 hours of sleep I've had.
And then I try to last as long as I can, finishing the Nescafe in minutes actually makes you awake as the caffeine accumulates very fast to keep you wary.
As soon as my tests was over, part of me grew tired. I fell asleep in class...
I feel that it's really killing me. My education and my emotions. They don't mix at all.
I've been using a new technique to forget about her. Trust me I have. Of the three people that I've told to, two of them say it's a good idea. The last one said it was stupid and I was only going to create more problems for myself.
I have to agree wif the last person. But I'm not going to tell you my technique. You'd have to ask me first then I decide whether I will tell you or not.
However for the past few days, as I walk home alone myself as usual, I noticed that --
我愈是想把她忘记，愈是想起她，愈是被记忆束薄着，无法得到心里的自由。
今早，我在巴士里默默听歌时，突然间流出了几滴眼泪。
“ 这些泪水，并非原自悲哀，伤心和绝望的感觉。而是我仍还未能放下对你的爱，心中对你的情绪依然在耍我。”
我傻笑了一下，往一下我左边，坐在我座位对面也是个孤独的女孩。她望着窗外，背对着我。好吧，轮到我看着外面的风景，反正没法睡在巴士里了。
我连自己的情绪都稳定不下来，不知如何控制自己的脉搏。
心里的苦痛，只有我自己才知道，却又被自己忽视着。
最伤痛的是在我得到刺激与快乐，我们起初开始认识的地方遇见你，但是很清楚我们会不到过去，只能当作未和任何一方认识过，遗忘了各自的存在，那才是令我心里最刺痛的一刻。
我们。。。可算是互不相干了。。。
你在我心中所留下的痕迹，我永远永远无法移开，只能慢慢等待着时间让它痊愈。
让曾经是你的镜子的我，渐渐摆回碎片，从新创出没有联系到你的新开始。
~ 谢谢你 ~
