Sunday, August 30, 2009 ♥ 8:25 PM
如果我變成回憶
累了 照慣例努力清醒著 也照慣例想妳了
Lei le Zhao guan li nu li qing xing zhe Ye zhao guan li xiang ni le
When I'm tired I keep trying hard to stay awake as usual I keep thinking of you as usual too
好怕一放心睡了 心跳在夢中不聽話的 就停止了
Hao pa yi fang xin shui le Xin tiao zai meng zhong bu ting hua de Jiu ting zhi le
I'm really scared that when my mind is at rest and I'm asleep In my dreams my heartbeat won't listen to me And just stop
聽著 呼吸像浪潮拍動著 越美麗越讓我忐忑
Ting zhe Hu xi xiang lang chao pai dong zhe Yue mei li yue rang wo tan te
Listen; The sound of breathing like waves splashing The more beautiful it gets, the more I feel uneasy
我還能珍惜什麼 如果我連自己的脈搏 都難掌握
Wo hai neng zhen xi shen me Ru guo wo lian zi ji de mai bo Dou nan zhang wo
What can I still cherish If I can barely control my own pulse?
如果我變成回憶 退出了這場生命
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Tui chu le zhe chang sheng ming
If I became a memory - withdrew from this life
留下妳錯愕哭泣 我冰冷身體 擁抱不了妳
Liu xia ni cuo e ku qi Wo bing leng shen ti Yong bao bu liao ni
Leaving you startled and weeping My ice-cold body No longer able to embrace you
想到我讓深愛的妳 人海孤獨旅行
Xiang dao wo rang shen ai de ni Ren hai gu du lv xing
Thinking that I'll leave you, the one I love To travel among the sea of people alone
我會恨自己 如此狠心
Wo hui hen zi ji Ru ci hen xin
I will hate myself For being so heartless
如果我變成回憶 終於沒那麼幸運
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Zhong yu mei na me xing yun
If I became a memory - finally not so lucky
沒機會白著頭髮 蹣跚牽著妳 看晚霞落盡
Mei ji hui bai zhe tou fa Pan shan qian zhe ni Kan wan xia luo jin
No chance Of us tottering while holding your hand Hair grown white Watching the sunset
漫長時光 總有一天 妳會傷心痊癒
Man chang shi guang Zong you yi tian Ni hui shang xin quan yu
In this very long period of time There'll be a day When your broken heart will heal
若有人可以 讓他陪妳 我不怪妳
Ruo you ren ke yi Rang ta pei ni Wo bu guai ni
If someone can [heal your wound] Let him stay accompany you I won't blame you
快樂 什麼時候會結束呢 哪一刻是最後一刻
Kuai le Shen me shi hou hui jie su ne Na yi ke shi zui hou yi ke
Happiness When will it end? When is the very end?
想把妳緊緊抱著 可知妳是我生命中的 最捨不得
Xiang ba ni jing jing bao zhe Ke zhi ni shi wo sheng ming zhong de Zui she bu de
I really want to embrace you tightly Know that you're the one in my life I can't bear to leave the most
如果我變成回憶 退出了這場生命
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Tui chu le zhe chang sheng ming
If I became a memory - withdrew from this life
留下妳錯愕哭泣 我冰冷身體 擁抱不了妳
Liu xia ni cuo e ku qi Wo bing leng shen ti Yong bao bu liao ni
Leaving you startled and weeping, my ice-cold body no longer able to embrace you
想到我讓深愛的妳 人海孤獨旅行
Xiang dao wo rang shen ai de ni Ren hai gu du lv xing
Thinking that I'll leave you, the one I love To travel among the sea of people alone
我會恨自己 如此狠心
Wo hui hen zi ji Ru ci hen xin
I will hate myself For being so heartless
如果我變成回憶 終於沒那麼幸運
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Zhong yu mei na me xing yun
If I became a memory - finally not so lucky
沒機會白著頭髮 蹣跚牽著妳 看晚霞落盡
Mei ji hui bai zhe tou fa Pan shan qian zhe ni Kan wan xia luo jin
No chance to Tottering while holding your hand Hair grown white Watching the sunset
漫長時光 總有一天 妳會傷心痊癒
Man chang shi guang Zong you yi tian Ni hui shang xin quan yu
In this very long period of time There'll be a day When your broken heart will heal
若有人可以 讓他陪妳 我不怪妳
Ruo you ren ke yi Rang ta pei ni Wo bu guai ni
If someone can [heal your wound], let him stay accompany you, I won't blame you
如果我變成回憶 最怕我太不爭氣
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Zui pa wo tai be zheng qi
If I became a memory - I'm most afraid that I'll let myself down
頑固地賴在空氣 霸佔妳心裡 每一吋縫隙
Wan gu de lai zai kong qi Ba zhan ni xin li Mei yi cun feng xi
Stubbornly lingering in the air Dominating your heart Every part of it
連累依然愛我的妳 痛苦承受失去
Lian lei yi ran ai wo de ni Tong ku cheng shou shi qu
Making the you that still loves me, suffer painfully for this loss
這樣不公平 請妳盡力 把我忘記
Zhe yang bu gong ping Qing ni jin li Ba wo wang ji
This isn't fair Please try your best To forget me
Sunday, August 23, 2009 ♥ 8:54 PM
I think this picture represents it all...
Thursday, August 13, 2009 ♥ 11:49 PM
Lifted from Olivia...
-----------------------
GEORGE TOWN: Malaysians will be able to sight up to a total of 100 Perseid meteors per hour streaking across the northern sky in the wee hours of Thursday morning.
Universiti Sains Malaysia’s Astronomy Atmospheric Science Unit lecturer Assoc Prof Dr Chong Hon Yew said that according to the International Meteor Organisation (IMO). the meteor shower is expected to be best viewed from 1.30am to 4am on Thursday.
“The shower could have started on July 24 and is expected to be observed until Aug 17.
“It is however predicted that during the peak viewing time (Thursday morning), the moon will be high in the sky, outshining the fainter meteors.
“There is a good chance for observers to spot the brighter meteors however,” he said on Wednesday.
Dr Chong also hoped the weather would be favourable for the Perseids to be seen.
Those who miss tomorrow’s meteor shower may still catch a “lesser version” after midnight Thursday, or early Friday morning.
Dr Chong said the Perseids are a prolific meteor shower associated with the comet Swift-Tuttle which are usually fast, bright and occasionally leave persistent trains.
“The point they come from lies in the constellation of Perseus,” he said.
The Perseid meteor shower has been observed for about 2,000 years, with the first known sighting coming from the Far East.
Every year in August, the Earth passes through rock and dust fragments left behind by the comet Swift-Tuttle. As these small particles collide with the Earth’s atmosphere, they burn up, often creating a startling streak of light across the sky.
The shower is visible from mid-July each year, with the greatest activity between Aug 8 and Aug 14, peaking at about Aug 12.
Dr Chong said the meteor shower can be observed with the naked eye.
----------------------
The meteor rain. If each meteor grants a wish. I would make all my wishes into a single wish :
That she'll move on and forget bout me and smile forever. =)
♥ 5:33 PM
失去你的第二十二天， 心里（别再伤心, 就此道别)
One day, someone will be there to hold you and make you feel happy. Not like me.
Take care. Don't be sad ever again. You're not the mentally strongest girl i've seen. But you're still the one i fell for.
Although it hurts to see you this way, but i know, i'm not going to do anything about it. Coz you rejected my help.
So... This will be the end. Our story stops here.
~ Here comes goodbye. =) ~
Wednesday, August 12, 2009 ♥ 11:47 PM
Here comes Goodbye - Rascal Flatts
~
Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye
~
Sunday, August 9, 2009 ♥ 9:46 PM
失去你的第十八天， 心里（你还好吗？)
I present you my heart. The only colored thing left inside me. It beats for her. And it still does.
I do not know what else I can say... I am quite speechless. This morning I woke up thinking of her. My heart was kind of pain.. If only I had a reason that could hold you back. If only I would be fine since you left. I guess I would never have been blogging so often.
Day by day, I use the blog as my way to release wateva sadness or loneliness I'm feeling. It makes me feel slightly better after blogging.
Listen to these song.
ROTTARA ROTTARA - BUONO
~
どれくらい 胸いっぱいの愛を
どれくらい 胸いっぱいの愛を
抱えたら 僕ら 伝えられるんだろう
How much love do I need
How much love do I need
to hold in my chest before we can tell each other?
~
Kokuhaku no funsui hiroba - Berryz Kobo
~
あなたが好き
胸が痛い
怖いけれど
打ち明けたの
友達には
戻れないは
うなずいてよ
あなたはわざとに
咳をしてごまかす
わかっていたはず
私の本心
なんなの こんなの
だめならだめでいい
涙になりそう
沈黙が続く
苦しんでる
あなたがいる
こめんなさい
急すぎだわ
自分だけを
考えてた
私ピエロ
I love you
So much my chest hurts
I'm afraid, but
I've spoken my mind
I can't go back
to being friends
So nod your head yes
You purposely faked
a cough
You should've known
my true feelings
What is it? Acting like this...
If it's hopeless, that's okay
Seems like I'm going to cry
The silence continues
I'm suffering
Because you're here
I'm so sorry
It's too sudden
I was only thinking
of myself
I'm such a fool*
~
♥ 6:02 AM
失去你的第十六天， 心里（你还好吗？)
This morning I was glad to wake up without any heart or chest aches.. Muahaha... xD But stupid Jack lar, sms me say walk to Old Town Coffee... I reach there waited 20 mins only you all appear... WALAU-EH...
Let me sleep more lar, I've been having sleepless nights lately. De cause I'm not sure..
My heart is working at a very weird rate now. During bball, I run out of breath very fast. My heart doesn't beat as fast as usual. Even when I see pretty girls.. My heart no reaction, like dead.
Just kidding.. xD right now, I'm just too down to notice any1 pretty.. SRY to all d pretty girls out there.. T.T
So this morning had breakfast and chatted with all my bball mates. I was quite talkative compared to my usual old self. Mayb this could be a new start? I deno.
LET ME PRESENT MY PICTURE OF THE DAY... x)
This is how I feel. I'm all alone in the afternoon. Studying on my bed, placing my phone downstairs as to avoid anything. I don't want to be so attached to my phone.
Now let me explain the weirdest part of my life...
1. My heart pain came back. I rolled on my bed and unknowingly either fell asleep or went unconscious.
2. The ringing of my phone woke me up.
3. It was beside me when the last I placed it was downstairs.
4. My room door was locked and my parents weren't home.
5. I'm FREAKED OUT!
It was Yen... He fetched me and Khai Sim to Baskin Robbins to collect our pay and ice-cweam.. xD
So I just pretend like nothing happened and went.
Imagine the first person there tat caught my eye.
I walked and waved. "Hello Sham Cheah..."
XD LoLz... (at that moment my heart was stinging pain)
But I held it in...
My left knee, my right thumb... I can kiss goodbye to you two my friend. Very soon.
I'm overstressing myself, and my knee is starting to give in d. I feel weak after every high jump, which prevents me from making another second jump.
Can I let my heart out for a moment?
~
I was the first to go to bball ytd. Then E came...
E : Today **** ** not coming, fever. Xin Yin camp...
Me : Okayy.... (so???)
E : I went to orphanage to help out jus now...
Me : Well, tat's good...
E : But not in this shirt, I changed.. I was wearing Sri KDU shirt...
Me : ........
E : *blabbers on and on....
At some point we were about 2-3 feets distance, she threw the ball with two hands, entirely missing the board, I was lucky enough to see it and dodge in the NICK OF TIME!!
'Me and the board, do you have any idea how far that was? It was not even close, how it even flew to me I don't wanna know.'
I just walked slowly picked up the ball and continued training. Ignoring his further words, I wanted to concentrate... I wanna be Kevin, for now and forever..
In the end, I jus pretended tat mayb his hand slipped. Tat he was saying those things to... I deno for wat purpose also...
Just let me get by the next half-year. It's hard enough for me right now, stop poking where it hurts, you lousy fren... I don't know and don't wanna know ur intentions, BUZZ OFF!
~
I know tat I no longer play any role in her life anymore...
The show...
The songs...
The picture I drew...
The song I sang...
The flower I made...
Stupid aren't I? XD Doing so many things. Stab me someone, can make it quick...
BETTER YET. SHOOT ME!
Friday, August 7, 2009 ♥ 8:34 AM
失去你的第十五天， 心里（一直为你担心)
~ Lifted from Messa (deviantart) ~
Trapped in the Abyss
Where color was absent
I swore I saw
A glimmer of light
Maybe it was you.
That light/color is the girl, representing 'you', and therefore when his world is in absence of color, it is in absence of 'you'.
My heart melts and weeps for you. But the minute you're not around, it freezes again.
I dun reli have much to say.. But instead I have a lot of pictures in which I'll be posting for the next few days... One by one. =)
I'll let the pictures do the talking for me...
♥ 6:38 AM
失去你的第十四天， 心里（心里仍是不安)
This morning, I think at about 2am... I woke up with a very sharp stinging pain in my heart. Chest or heart, I can't really tell.
I rolled on the bed time after time till I couldn't take it. I dropped to the floor and continued rolling on it with my hands clutched on my chest..
The coldness of the floor eventually seeped into me I think.
It got better and then I knew my heart was beating very fast and I was gasping for breath...
I climbed back onto my bed and slept it off...
Been playing guitar for a few nights without any pick. My fingers are bleeding a little d.. But the serene tune resonates in my heart...
At about 5.30am, I automatically woke up with the pain still there. But it was way better. I asked myself if this pain was caused emotionally or physically?
I HAVE NO ANSWER.
Today it made me feel weird during morning. I was paying attention during class when it started raining heavily. And immediately it struck me. I wan very concerned for her. Without hesitation, I messaged her asking how she was...
She told me she practised in the rain. I felt two things on the spot.
---
1. She's strong enough to go through it, I shouldn't worry.
2. She's going to get ill...
---
I don't know which part of myself to beliv in. But part of me was telling me to trust the first point. And I did..
[ Uh, then something happened during English lesson... Reli reli stupid... Not gonna say... ask me in person if you want to noe... ]
After that went pool (similar to snooker) in AC. I tried to release my anger by whacking the balls as hard as I could. There was suppose to be badminton.. But then everyone came at 3pm when the actual time was 2pm. Great leh? Malaysian timing...
After that, we went and played from 4.30pm to 6pm at Taman Megah court.
At first, I played strokes for a while and den d pain came back. Wah, straight away sit down and rest. But after that the pain totally disappeared and I only played strokes for the rest of the time...
The pain never came back.
Den had dinner with them before going back.
~I'm sorry I played. But I promised them I'd go. I minimized my movements, so don't worry alright? ~
I was so worried when she told me she was feeling unwell. Was it the run in the rain? I really hope so.. Then it will just be a small problem. I reli hope you're alright. I'm gonna pray now and wish you all the best...
MESSAGE TO HER : Please take care of urself k?
There's no pain in my heart now... Not yet? I'm not sure. =) But I might be coming down with sore throat...
I typed this during maths... Sorry, name shall be unknown... =) Good nights...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009 ♥ 8:02 AM
失去你的第十二天， 心里（充满遗憾)
Last night, I messaged two of my friends. J and L.
I asked, "Do you two (u n ur **) still talk after d break up?"
J : Yes. But even if we do, it'll last 5 mins. There's nth in common between us... I won't give shit to a guy who doesn't care bout me.
L : We only say hi. Tat's as far as it gets.
Wow... nice.. So this is the ending of break-ups huh. It's reli depressing to see them this way. J broke up becoz the guy couldn't commit. L's reason was becoz she couldn't see any future with him at all.
Future? L said something that reli hit me where it hurts...
"Girls tend to think bout the future more den guys. Guys only live in the present.."
I cannot tell u it's wrong. But I have thought about the future. But as soon as I did, it ended before my eyes.
And now, I'm seeing how two friends who reli hope to be close again ignoring one another.
Oh dear moon, you're so round tonight... Can you just fulfill my wish? I wish that the two of them will get back together. I don't mind if you take anything from me, including my life. I know, miracles don't happen, I'd have to act at some point. But I don't know if I can do it.
One wants me out of her life. The other wants me to be there for the first one, but she won't take the responsibility of patching things up.
Let me point this out, I cannot leave seeing you this way... I'm sure that every person who's fallen in love with another would want what's best for the other. And I want you to live normally like before.
[---
This evening, I witnessed a friend of mine, named E. He hung up a small girl's shoes on a tree. And the small girl sat aside alone. Very lonely, she was sad, almost about to cry. Lucky her uncle came and stopped E. He's 17 now, why doesn't he know how to care for her feelings? in fact he's quite spoilt. He is nice to kids, but does not always consider their feelings.
At that time, I reli felt like going there to scold him. But...
Screw it! He doesn't deserve my time. I went to take care of the girl first. While her uncle got her shoes back for her. It might have ended in an argument if I went...
I just don't know now. With someone like him around, I'm just worried he would influence those around him. Especially since I'm never with him, I cannot stop him...
---]
I feel so useless. I'm gonna sleep now and erase my sadness for the day. Tomorrow is going to be a brand new day.. Moon, please grant me my wish. Thank you. =)
Monday, August 3, 2009 ♥ 6:14 PM
失去你的第
一天， 心里（崩溃)
I asked. Is it really true that you have replaced me in your heart?
You said I can think it that way if I want.
Why must you always make it tough for me.
"You'll get used to it without me soon..."
"Someone will replace me..."
Do you know every word.... no.... every single alphabet actually tears my heart apart? bit by bit. I lose myself, I try not to cry over it. I hold it in.
The worst part is, I let my heart do all the suffering, taking in all the burden.
By day, I may seem emotionless, occasionally smiling once or twice. But during the night, I'm Kian Seong. My heart crumbles every night as I hug my pillow tightly, with my phone in the other hand.
DO YOU THINK THAT PEOPLE ARE REPLACEABLE? DO YOU EVEN TREASURE LIFE? UR FEELINGS AND OTHERS?!
YOU ALWAYS BLAME ME FOR BEING SACRIFICIAL, AREN'T YOU DOING THE SAME? BUT MINE IS PHYSICALLY. YOURS IS EMOTIONALLY. YOU'RE AVOIDING AND IGNORING YOUR FEELINGS...
"Neh. I'm fine."
"I'm really fine."
These messages... I don't know why but they can never convince me that you are alright.
I have no more strength left to type. I'm emotionally drained and weakened. Every word I type hurts myself more than it may hurt you.
Today is going to be a rainy day... I hope the moon will bless me.
Sunday, August 2, 2009 ♥ 8:49 PM
失去你的第天， 心里（心里仍是不安)
This morning I woke up in my sweat. I had several nightmares last night. Few. Some contained her. Some with other people.
Just the night before I went to pasar malam to have dinner on my own. Just when I thought it was going to get boring, I met Yi Ran. Yay? XD Since two years back, I have not seen my senior d..
(picture taken three years back)
She reli changed alot. That's wat I thought at first. Her appearance was different only. Her attitude, pretty much the same. So we chatted like two old people meeting each other again.
Then I popped the question.
"Got any boyfriend?"
She paused for a moment. The hesitation told me that she was wondering how to answer me.
"No..." She said.
It's most probably that she was hurt before in a relationship. Maybe it was something she did not want to talk about. I felt sad for her. She's like my Jie Jie. I felt bad for asking her that.
"What about you leh?" She asked me back.
"The Pan Mee here nice ar?" I changed the topic and I'm sure she sensed that I felt uncomfortable talking about it. So we changed subject.
She companied me till I finished my dinner. Thanks. Yi Ran. =)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was quite sad to know that she was left alone by her best friend. Or ex-best friend. The two of them rarely talked. It's like me now. I rarely talk to my best friend too. Or there is barely even a need to anymore.
But I really do hope that she knows that there are people who reli care about her and will be there for her whenever she's down.
I WILL BE THERE WHENEVER SHE NEEDS ME..
But i cannot guarantee i'm able to make her happy. That's wat makes me sad the most. I can only wonder how much sorrow I can bring when she talks to me. When she's down, I have to always be strong for her. To always shower her with love and smiles and make her happy. Even though she's no longer mine. I hate it but I have to accept it I guess...
I have to be matured and take care of her feelings while I'd most likely abandon mine. That's me, Kevin. The self-centered Kian Seong is long gone...
I know there's nothing I can do to make her change her mind. There's always a very sharp pain in my heart when I think bout it now. A sharper pain compared to before. It feels like I've been stabbed. It really is that bad. Or maybe it was my weak heart from the start.
Let's put it this way.
~I'm Kevin with Kian Seong's heart inside me...~
I hope she'll just let me be there for her now. At least for another half a year. Before I go overseas to further studies. That time it'll be her boyfriend or best friend's job to take care of her. We can only live once..
So live it happily. Let your smiles take care of things.
=)
Saturday, August 1, 2009 ♥ 11:06 PM
失去你的第九天， 心里（心里仍是不安)
Alright, let me start by saying a few things first...
1. My whole body is aching.
2. I might be coming down with an illness.
3. I pray that she returns home safe and sound today.
I don't reli have much to say actually. So I'll just tell you a sad story ba.
There was dis kid, named X. He was a dumb kid who just fell in love with this girl, Y. This girl did in fact like him back and pretty soon their love bloomed. Imagine exchanging messages day after day like any other normal couples did. They enjoyed the time spent talking to one another.
And then one day, X totally lost his phone in the house. No matter how hard he searched, he couldn't find it. He was desperate to reply Y's message but no matter how he still wasn't able to find it. He was sad throughout the day, depressed and worried. He had argued with his parents due to his bad mood. His parents scolded him and eventually smacked him, denying him lunch and dinner.
Now you guys will surely wonder, why don't you just phone the handphone and find the ringing tone. But X's phone was in silent mode. Pure silent, no ringing tone nor vibration. How are you suppose to find it?
Without having anything to eat at all, X succumbed to his bed. Tears wetting his pillow. Suddenly he remembered where he had left it. X dug out his phone and found three msg's from Y waiting for him.
He replied them instantly and did something he thought was the most clever thing he did.
X searched his namelist and removed Y's name, leaving the number behind. This way, he would always remember her number. And when he is unable to reply her with his phone, he would use some other phone to do his texting.
Months later. The break-up happened. Guess what? No matter how X tried to forget, he would always remember Y's number even more. It had become a torture to him, holding the phone, preparing messages that he knew he wouldn't send. All stacking in his drafts. X now knew that it was a stupid move. Thus, he suffered for the remaining of his days trying to forget something that was already implanted into his head. In the end, he could never forget the number thus preventing him from moving on.
I'm not X. Just if anyone wants to know. I'm not as smart as him. I'm way... way dumber. X is my twin, Kian Seong... XD
xD
just to tell this story for fun lar... I aso deno wat to type.. haha...
Another story i lifted off some website...
"I Love You"
I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…
“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.
“I can’t”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…”
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…
Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.
That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…
“One…two… three…” That was how… I started to count the dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…
“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls,shocked.
“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…
“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…
For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life.
♥ 7:31 AM
Sono subete no ai ni ~ berryz kobo
kanashii no wa jibun dakedo【Tsugunaga】
hitori omotteita【Kumai】
I thought the sadness was all but mine
namida ga tomaranai yorutachi【Shimizu】
My tears are not stopping, in the nights
samishii no wa umaretsuki to【Tokunaga】
Loneliness was born
katte ni omotteta【Sudou】
I selfishly thought so
kawaita kokoro no naka MISSING YOU【Natsuyaki】
In my withered heart, MISSING YOU
furikaereba soko ni minna ita no ne 【All】
Whenever I look back, everyone was there right
DAME na watashi nande darou? yatto tachi agareru【Sugaya】
Its not good of me. What was it again? Even when I finally became independent
yasashisa ni mimamo rare aruite kitan da ne【All】
We walk together by taking care of each other in a kind way
hitoribocchi nanka janai【All】
You're not alone
taisetsu na hito ga takusan iru yo hora ne 【All】
There's lots of precious people around, right?
sono subete no ai ni SAN KYUU【All】
Thank you for all your love
kibishii no wa kirawareteru【Tsugunaga】
I dislike strictness
sou omoi kondeta【Kumai】
that was how I convinced myself
itami ga mune wo utsu yorutachi【Shimizu】
It was heart wrenching, in the nights
kawaii ko wa umaretsuki to【Tokunaga】
When a cute child is born
JERASHII wo kanjita【Sudou】
Naturally I feel the jealousy
futsu no mainichi no naka MISSING YOU【Natsuyaki】
In my normal everyday life, MISSING YOU
omoi kaeseba itsumo anata ita no ne【All】
Whenever I think of returning, you were always around right
ima made no watashi nante mou SAYONARA shiyou【Sugaya】
The me until now, no matter who i was, say goodbye (to it)
yasashisa wa itsumademo mune no naka ni aru【All】
There's always kindness in your heart
hitoribocchi nanka janai【All】
You're not alone
egao de afureteru hito ga sobani iru【All】
There's a person overflowing with smiles next to me here
sono subete no ai ni SAN KYUU【All】
Thank you for all the love
yasashisa wa itsumademo mune no naka ni aru【All】
There's always kindness in your heart
hitoribocchi nanka janai【All】
You're not alone
egao de afureteru hito ga sobani iru【All】
There's a person overflowing with smiles next to me here
sono subete no ai ni SAN KYUU【All】
Thank you for all the love
