How long has it been? 4 months? 3?
I've lost someone because I was being immature again.
I admit now. During that time, I wanted attention.
Lots and lots of attention. But not just from anyone.
But by someone who I really want attention from.
And I chose her..
Not because I like her or anything.
But I knew that I could trust her and rely on her to pay attention on me.
Now it doesn't seem so anymore.
It began well. Doesn't everything also begin well?
And then slowly she diverted her attention to my best friend.
My best-ed friend. I have to admit now.
At that point it was my fault.
At that point I was jealous.
Then, we became strangers.
Back to stage 1. Like we had never knew each other.
I was childish. For causing all this.
I hate myself for it.
She hates me now.
I can't compensate for my wrongs.
Sad.
She's having a major exam this year.
I don't want to cause any trouble.
And yet I still did.
I tried to make it up.
For what had happened.
And then?
It ended up worse than before.
I still hate myself.
She still hates me.
Still sad..
It's been so long. Many things have changed.
Changed, without my noticing it.
My Kai Mui talks to me now.
Even happier and high-er now.
I'm glad to see her that way.
It's a comfortable view.
I've made a few friends on the way.
Kev, Sean, Pei Ying...
I need to express myself at times..
But to who?
The only person who knows bout my current situation,
and not my past is Kev.
Sean is a nice and outgoing guy.
Cool.
But I'm still in the need to tell people my problems.
Someone who could be there for me,
When I need them.
My best-ed friend.
Whatever happened between us.
At first, I admit, I was jealous.
Because you got a higher position than me.
But after that, I think it was ok.
It doesn't matter, really.
But still, I think we're getting further and further.
He's changed.
He's not outgoing anymore.
He gets leg cramps often.
Never listen to advices.
Think he's made the right choices.
More chuan.
Most of it, that I was and
I am still trying to change.
Despite this.
There are girls who think he's cute.
Who think he's fun. Who likes him.
I'm glad for him.
Until that one girl told me.
She gets hurt very often.
Without him realizing it.
No matter how many times she expressed,
I tried to calm her down.
Maybe she's just thinking too much.
But no.
She stresses out.. Time and time.
That he thinks she can't live without him.
What can I do except to advise her?
I promised her. I'll try my best.
My best to change him.
He's still my friend after all.
I can't find time.
Time is precious. And I'm not given much.
I want to express myself many times.
But I don't have the time or mate to do so.
It's always library, basketball, frisbee or soccer.
I can barely manage my time between this four.
But still thank god I'm relieved of Y.E. duties.
Now I put on fake smiles.
Just to look OK.
To look normal.
Even if my heart does not feel that way.
when can I put on that sincere smile.
That I used to have on every occasion, every outings...
Every day...
When?
