[+ AiMinG FoR ThE SkY +]

2010-03-18T04:50:00.000-07:00

2010-01-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

Blog maintenance is hard... Especially when I don't have much time to go online.

Anyway, few things I wanna say before I kill my blog.

1. My uni application is killing me. But it seems most unlikely that I will leave by February. So... YAY! Chinese New Year! Ang Pau! xD

2. To see her every day means falling in love again, and reminding myself that it will never happen. But the fact that my heart never changed, I don't hate it anymore. I just smile or giggle a little and watch the tears in my heart pour.

3. Following Family Guy... LoLz.. stupid cartoon.

4. Playing Borderlands, fun game. =)

5. Would really like to talk with a lot of people, catch up on lives. But schools started. So it's not possible.

2009-12-30T16:28:00.000-08:00

I would like to talk and share my experience about working in Brand’s Outlet… For less than a month. Earning a salary of nearly RM700, and how I had my good and bad days…

First, I would like to mention about the faculty staff here.

We have :

Mr Yong – the BOSS (I seen him twice only. Nice guy.)

Grace – 2^nd in charge (short, disciplined. S-C-A-R-Y)

Mindy – 3^rd in charge (fierce, strict. Boon Yen and Jia Ping think she’s hot)

Winnie – Supervisor (nice, understanding, tries her best to please workers and seniors)

Then we split into multiple departments. We have Men’s , Ladies and Kids.

Jia Ping and I was placed in Men’s department (to our horror), since we planned to work and serve hot, gorgeous ladies in their department. But thank god that Men’s section was small, merely 100m in length only.

On the first day, we were introduced to Kak Maslina. Who is the leader for Ladies Department. However, she was responsible for teaching and guiding us on what we had to do and how to do it. She was very nice, taking us step by step. Skin color was not an obstruction or barrier at all.

Then I shall display the description of a few fellow workers from the Men’s Department below :

Nazeer – Me and Jia Ping’s hero. Plans to work FULL SHIFT daily just to cover financial expenses due to wedding. Nevertheless, very nice and understanding. Caring. Gay also, as in he can solo the whole Long Sleeves T-Shirt section. (Long Sleeves T-Shirt take a very long time to fold )

Shahrol – Awesome guy with Spiky Hair. Always there when you need help. Never forgets to make sure we’re alright with our job everytime he passed us by. He damn nice lor, lent me his Brown Adidas Jacket. So warm and nice. Stupid Brand’s Outlet, freezing refrigerator.

Tira – Started working after SPM. 19 years old and very good at her job. And talks a lot of crap also. Haha. Like my Malay sister only. Still remember the first day I had to take out new stock with her. I lost my voice after the Melaka trip and I did not talk to her much. She asked me if I was bisu… Now, all she says to me is , “Belasah you!!”

Jack – OMG. My favorite guy. From Sabah, an assistant-doctor ( aka nurse ) that is waiting to be transferred to Sarawak for his biologically related job. Leaving on the 23^rd, I’m going to miss him as we had gone through a lot together. Very friendly. Bad habits? Use toilet time as smoking time to recharge battery. Lunch breaks as sleeping time on staircases. But all in all, a hardworking partner anyone would like to have.

Kak Norma – My department leader. I barely know much about her as she seemed strict and scary on the first few days. However, as I got to know her more, she is very fearsome. In primary school, she beat a guy… A guy!! She overpowered him and dapao-ed him. WALAU!!! But she does help us whenever we require her assistance.

Kak Azu – I only got to know her lately. Always complaining that she cannot afford to go on diet. But needs to as her husband prefers her slimmer. We share diet secrets but of course, I lied to her, telling her that I slimmed down from 60kg to 45kg (truth was 60kg to 50kg). I wanted to help motivate her. Hopefully she is able to overcome her weight issue.

There are some co-workers from my department who I prefer not to mention as I have minimal social interaction with them and therefore do not know them much… at all…

The only other colleagues from other department whom I know of is :

Kak Mas – (different from the one from my first day) a bit more plum. But guided us on few occasions and have her to thank for.

Nabilah – Another part timer who joined almost the same time as us. She’s from Kelantan and ………that’s all I know about her.

Julie – A Sarawak-ian who I really like, not affectionately but as a sibling. She this girl who is quite short, maybe 1 head shorter than me? But at least, 3-4 years my senior. She left on the 13^th of December. I wish her all the best. The only chance that I had managed to talk to her (not regarding work) was when I bullied her showing my hand was way bigger than hers. However it was only later that she told me it was her last day. Too late to do anything. Busy with work… Than she left. T.T But she came back on the 17 to return her clothes. Don’t know why she kept calling my name, “KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN!” However, I’m glad to see her one last time and wished her good bye in a proper manner.

Haiqal – Oh… Oh… hehehe… xD Just want to say that he is GAY. As in really HOMO? Nice guy. Most gay guys are nice. Like the next person mentioned. He loves Jack, always giving him the stare and winks. Oh my GOD… *PUKE… xD Then recently, Tira said that he liked Jia Ping. Made me laugh non-stop. Till now it still makes me giggle at the thought of it.

Ezmaal – Probably the nicest guy around. He is one of the Board of Directors, same post as Winnie or Mindy I think. But he goes around the shop, helping around, discussing about problematic issues and shares his experience. Gay, but not 100% Homo… However, definitely someone you’d feel secure to be around with and a friend to trust.

And let me tell you, Lionel Messi’s twin brother was here. He came to Brand’s Outlet, and he wasn’t shy at all, he brought his whole family along. While Messi was accepting his Ballon d’Or award somewhere in Europe, Keluarga Messy came and destroyed the whole t-shirts section. Crazy wan. It’s like they played World Cup in Brand’s Outlet, with the squad members all named Messy. Then while we were folding clothes, I noticed something. There were three areas of the clothes and there was exactly 4 in the first area, 4 in the 2^nd and 2 in the last. Formation 4-4-2. LoLz?

On our first day there, Jia Ping and I decided to check out the wide variety of T-Shirts in the front of Brand’s Outlet. The shirts are for guys and it is 3 for RM50. (it costs RM19.90 for one) There were 3 shirts that came to our interest. I shall tell you what they are.

Brown Shirt with a Chicken in front saying

“Does my c*** look big in this?”

Grey Shirt that said

“ -.- Your type makes me sick”

Distorted Grey Shirt that (personally my favorite =) )

Had a picture of a screw in the middle and the words “You” below it.

However there are strict regulations and discipline working in Brand’s Outlet.

Toilet break 15 mins. Need record time of leave and return in a book.
Need punch card when working.
Must be dressed in Orange Uniform, own jeans and shoes.
1 hour break for lunch and another hour for dinner.
If late for work, no break is given.
If no letter is presented on the absence of duty, fine is conducted.

During my working period in Brand’s Outlet, I’ve seen stressful even folding clothes are. Everyday, we have a target to reach, and never once (since me and Jia Ping joined) have we hit our target. But just so you know, the target is about RM20k – RM30k on weekdays and RM50k++ on weekends. Siao leh.

On most days, we take the free Ikano bus from Kelana Jaya station. Despite that, when we work afternoon shifts (ending at 10pm), we normally tumpang Chun Tat or Jordan’s car. Both of them drive car damn geng. Sitting Chun Tat’s car means listening and singing Michael Jackson’s songs. Jordan’s would be Westlife. Ah…. Classic… x) The whole car turns into a moveable Karaoke Vehicle.

However I would like to thank the people who came to visit. Of course they’d visit. Me, Jia Ping and Boon Yen were working in Ikano. They came to watch all three of us suffer. xD no lar.. kidding.

Thanks

Benjamin

Yin Yee

Seng Tat

Uncle from Basketball

Khai Sim

Jack

My Parents

Of course there were those that I met during work. They did not know I was working there at all. Haha.

Ting San

Louise Tan

Chum Jia Da

I’m sorry if I missed out anyone’s name. But yeah. I guess that’s the figure, or the gist of it. I’m finishing work on the 25^th, Christmas Day is my last day of work. Then I’ll kiss goodbye to all the hardwork and funny times we enjoyed. Happy working everyone. =)

Here’s how we do our Padini Cheers (have to do it daily)

Give me a “P”

Give me an “A”

Give me a “D”

Give me a “YES”

YES!

Give me an “I”

Give me a “N”

Give me an “I”

What’s it called?

Padini. (we’re collaborated with Padini, but we’re in Brand’s right?)

Who’s Padini is it?

It’s my Padini. (I own Padini? Wow… Full time workers at Brands get 40% off from Padini stuff next door)

Who is number one?

The customer always (we have to place our hands on top of our heads to form a heart shape)

What is our core value?

Caring from our heart always (now we have to make a heart with our fingers and place them at our left kidney there, isn’t our heart on top, next to our lungs?)

2009-12-15T16:05:00.001-08:00

OMG.. my SAM results wei... I'm so dead....... SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!

Can I say SHIT a million times or is it the same if I say it once?

S H I T !!!!!!!!

2009-12-14T17:38:00.000-08:00

Goodbye To You

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

2009-12-06T19:08:00.001-08:00

Recently, I read P. S. I Love You for the fifth time.

And for the first time after reading it so many times, I decided to conduct a survey of my own. Just a random survey to see how people feel about things...

I messaged 3 guys and 3 girls asking them one question :

Will it be okay for a widow who used to love her husband more than anything to go out with other guys?

Results?

3 Guys said no.

3 Girls said yes.

But the question is rhetorical. It's contradictional.

It depends on individuals I should say. For me, I have no answer, no certain answer. Although I do hate the slight disloyalty that Holly have became. But for her happiness, why should she continue dreading over her dead husband..

And then I look at my Aunt's case. She loved her husband so much, she'd never find the same chemistry with any other. She'd rather be alone, living in the memories of him, till the day they reunite once more in the kingdom to come.

So, if you guys are free, just tell me what you think about the question I posted.

Yes?

or No?

Next book to be reread...

Yes Man

Just a notification to everyone out there. The movie and the storybook contains two totally different story lines. Both equally funny with their own semantics. So please take time to read and watch them both. =)

2009-11-29T20:35:00.001-08:00

As you are reading this, press these keys on your keyboard: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, Enter, right click (mouse), up, down, and watch the magic unfold! =D Note: effect lasts only for current tab!

2009-11-29T20:14:00.000-08:00

完美的结局，

真的有如此天真无邪的东西吗？

应该有吧。。。

刚看完一套日本卡通片，

名为：Fate : Stay / Night

别问我为何，

可是我告诉你，

它名字跟故事一点关系也没有。。。

不过这一套戏好看，

结局多么悲伤，

多么悲哀。

男女主角都相亲相爱，

最后还是无法在一起，

但最遗憾的是，

时间，

分开了他们，

不让他们局和。

从此之后，

唯有依靠记忆与心感

来回忆起能在对方身边的那一刻

怀念着那被人保护，被人爱，被握住

的感觉。

各自对爱人的思念，

都希望能穿越时间的阻碍，

传达至爱人。

最可惜，

在这种情况下，

没有一方的人能知道对方的回应。

那时能够在一起，

多甜蜜，多悲伤，

都算了。

不在乎天长地久，

只在乎曾经拥有。

我是否能放弃呢？

在我的情况，

不是时间的问题，

不怕对方的思念收不到。

因为我们早已结束了。

彼此的爱，

感觉，默契，

始终没结果，

失败了。

不懂得珍惜，

不懂得保护，

不懂得去爱她，

是我的错。

受了这么多的苦，

对不起。。。

你恨我。

恨得入骨。

永不希望我出现在你生活里。

不懂你会不会希望我死去吗？

如果是我也不会怪你。（本来就该在那时刻死的）=）

命运在玩我们，

越是不想见，越是相遇。

锁匙那件事，谢谢你。

并没有讨厌，憎恨的感觉，

在从你手中领回时，

看到你那慈悲的脸色，

我心中最痛苦，下起雨来，

因知无法帮你解决这情感。

你心里的雨，

早就下完了，

早就把我忘了，

早就决定脱离与我有关的回忆。

我们走了各自的路，

相信不会再碰面了。

我剩下的时间差不多了，

能避免看到你就避，

无须让任何一方再次

经历那心痛的感觉。

再见，谢谢你。

就此告一段落，

。

。。

。。。

。。

。

我的爱

2009-11-29T20:00:00.000-08:00

Went to Melaka trip for the past few days...

Got involved in a car crash...

All of us kena.

1 Saga totalled.

1 Saga lost body kits, damage worth RM2k.

1 Uncer dented front and back.

It was raining hard, and we were turning off to Ayer Keroh.

Suddenly cars jam-break in front.

Front Saga managed to break in time.

But the Uncer I was sitting in was not able to. The floor was too slippery. We banged the Saga.

The other Saga also suffered vision problems, and was unable to stop at the last minute. It tried to stir clear of Uncer, but it caught the back right of the Uncer. After that, the car skidded and banged the Saga infront again. This time, the Saga behind banged with its front right side.

Lights totalled. Metals and glass pieces went flying. The battery and ruined and damaged. The Saga's engine could no longer be ignited. Everything was terrible.

And the 11 of us friends were stuck on the highway for..... 3 hours? maybe more... I can't remember.

Anyway, thank god no one died. Although emo bout the car, bout the amount of money needed to be paid to repair the cars... It never spoilt our spirit to party on the last night of staying in Melaka Town. Going down with 3 cars, we returned with 2 only. Forcefully driving while leaving the helpless car for repair in Melaka itself..

The second before the Uncer crashed into the Saga, my life flashed before me.

Incomprehensibly, I thought of her at that moment.

I can't seem to understand why.

And then the song Untitled by Simple Plan played through my head.

Even after the crash, I joked about the crash being like Final Destination 2. Where some people escaped death, but were soon hunted down in the end by the Reaper.

I guess if it is true, my time is not for long... =)

2009-11-25T18:44:00.000-08:00

"Then she would fall into days of deep dark depression; then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off her tears again. That was her routine. It was a tiring process and most of the time she couldn't be bothered battling with her mind. It was far stronger than her body.

Friends and family came and went; sometimes helping her with her tears, other times making her laugh. But even in her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seemed to be passing time till she waited for something else. She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live. But what was the point in living when there was no life in it. These questions went through her mind over and over again till she reached the point of not wanting to wake up from her dreams that felt so real.

Deep down, she knew it was normal to feel like this. She didn't particularly think she was losing her mind. She knew that people said that one day she would be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory. It was getting to that feeling that was the hard part..."

...

....>> I'm sure u'd know where i quoted this from...

...

( Holly Kennedy , P. S. I Love You )

I quoted this... because it's exactly how I feel...

Holly is a pure reflection of me...

2009-11-07T07:41:00.000-08:00

I picked up the phone and I dialed your number.

The phone rang...

Once.....

Twice......

Thrice......

And then I asked myself, why was I calling you. Seconds before I pressed the END button, I hear you picking up the phone.

But it was already too late. It ended before anything could start.

Is this how our love was? Is this how our love is? Is this how our love shall be?

I don't want it... Have to put on hold only...

~Why don't you just ask me to leave a message then...~

2009-10-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

~Playlists also tells stories~

Today, I stared at my mp3 player as I scrolled down the list...

Then I realized that the playlist saved within my mp3 player was actually telling a story.

A story that revolved around you. With songs that did not concerned you ( meaning you had yet to enter my life ) filling up the first few dozen on the list. As the list goes on and on, so does my story.

From the moment I met you, the minute you entered my heart and filled it.

To the moment I felt happiest as you stayed in my heart.

And then as the list went on, I started to tear... Under the rain, the raindrops hid my tears.

It was time to reach the songs that filled my heart in your absence.

The songs that told stories about the time you injured my heart, causing it to bleed like mad from the inside suddenly, to the time when you forced yourself out of my heart.

Each of these songs told their own personal painful experiences without you around. The songs, they never stopped, the more I scrolled, the more my heart ached.

From the depressing song that you asked me to listen to ( Breathe ), to the song that I wished you would remember me by ( 如果我变成回忆 ).

They only bring back memories of you. A lot of memories. Today turned out to be a sad and emo day for me. And it's not like I can sort out the songs in my mp3 player. It's order is permanent unless I remove the songs and store them inside again.

"I don't think I would like to changed the order anyway." my heart is telling me now.

Alas, I had reached the songs that barely affected my life nor heart ever since you left.

( It's alright, It's Okay )

( If You Were Here Tonight )

( What Do I Do )

( Maybe )

and many other songs. They were suppose to cheer me up, but no. Not today. I found that I've lost myself. I don't know what or who to be, without you around.

Just for today, at least I know for today only,

I'll let my memories consume me. My heart. My soul.

2009-10-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

Introducing another emo song!!

If You Were Here Tonight by BOA

Korean lyrics

O neul do eo je ga ta yo geu dae ga geu ri weo jyeo seo
Ham gge gat deon gil mo ge seo nun eul gam go seo itt jyo

Meol li itt na bwa yo My heart
Geu dael neu ggil su ga eob seo seo
Du son eul bbeo deo geu dae gi eok ja peu ryeo ga jyo

O neul geu dael bon da myeon ut go i sseul ge yo
Pum e an gyeo ga rul bo nae gett jyo
O neul geu dael bon da myeon gi na gin a peum eui i yu reul al gett jyo
If you were here tonight..

O raen dwett na bwa yo eo jen geu dae eol gul gi eok an na seo
Ae sseo cha matt deon nun mu ri a jik meom chu jil an jyo

O neul geu dael bon da myeon ut go i sseul ge yo
Pum e an gyeo ga rul bo nae gett jyo
O neul geu dael bon da myeon gi na gin a peum eui i yu reul al gett jyo
If you were here tonight..

Gae dae ga neo mu mi weo yo
I reo ge a peun nae ma meul
Al su eob gett jyo

Oh geu dael bon da myeon Oh geu dael bon da myeon
Neo mu bo go ship eott da go mal ga gett jyo
Geu dae eob neun ha run pil yo eob jyo na i reo ge sa rang ha ne yo
If you were here tonight..

English lyrics

Today is the same as yesterday was
Because I miss you so much~
I close my eyes and I’m standing in the middle of the path we walked on together

You seem to be so far away, my heart
Because I can’t feel you
I clasp my hands together and sleep to remember you

*CHORUS*
If I were to see you today I would smile
We would pass the day holding each other tight
If I saw you today you’d know the reason for this long pain
If you were here tonight

It seems to have been so long
Yesterday I couldn’t remember your face
And because of that I still can’t sop my tears no matter how hard I try

*Repeat

You are so cruel
For not knowing how much you broke my heart

Oh~ if I saw you, Oh~ if I saw you
I would say that I missed you very much
I love you in a way that makes me not need days without you
If you were here tonight

2009-10-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know what else to say... So I'll let this small part of d video express how I feel...

2009-10-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Listen and you can hear the distant sound
of someone humming a familiar song,
like a dream...
Let me sleep surrounded by it.

Why is the world being washed away
in contradictions and helplessness?

During evenings,
we always watched the white clouds
gathering together.
But you can't be with me anymore.

When the silver rain begin to fall,
I thought that it was a part of me.
And I dried my tears.

Your hearts can feel the nights,
when the Earth itself is crying.

If your wounds are hurting you,
shoot your wish as an arrow up to the sky.

Please stop the time from passing,
the sound of raindrops echoes across the horizon,
something so definite that
made me missed the hours spent with you.

2009-10-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

raining in my heart

look out from the window

the sun is shining bright

look from the heart

the sky is cloudy

it's raining now

umbrella is in the town

rain drops falling down

drop onto my face

tears are running out

wondering will there be a rainbow after the rain

looking back to the past

the scenes in my life

beautiful dreams can counted by my fingers

nightmare are just too much

if i dont sleep

i wont dream of anything

then it will no beautiful dreams or nightmare

so do life

if we dont go through the success and failure of life

we will see

our life is paused

nothing can make us happy

nothing can make us sad

because we feel nothing to our life

we will feel that life is meaningless

and maybe

we will feel very down

we dont want to speak to anyone

we ask our friends to share jokes with us

yet, we cant laugh at all

at night

during bedtime

we wont sleep

we will cry

cry out the sadness

and ask

"why is this happening on me?"

"what should i do with it?"

we will cry until we fall asleep

the next morning

when people ask what happened to our eyes

we will tell them that we slept late yesterday

but to our close friends, we will say that we cried last night

is any one of this happened on you before?

:: hawaiian ::

--aloha au ia'oe

I can still remember when you told me this.... it makes my heart cry...

2009-10-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

This is a very emo song that I'd like to share wif ppl hu actually do visit my blog. Thanks Kevang for this song. It's nice.. =) Here's a video and the lyrics is already English translated..

What Do I Do - Boys Like Flowers

2009-09-26T07:43:00.001-07:00

Somehow it's already raining inside of me.

2009-09-22T06:18:00.000-07:00

I wonder...just how long more my knee will last...

Maybe... maybe if I don't do anything about it, and continue playing basketball as usual...
I won't be able to use my legs anymore.

DIARIES... I have one very large diary. of her. It's in my heart and soul.

2009-09-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

天使累了

大概一年前左右罢，

我发觉自己不断地在寻找

能在何时何地

保佑我，

陪伴我，

总不让我孤单过日子。

奇怪的，

我找到天使了，

更想不到的是

我竟会不折手段，

夺取了联络天使的唯一办法。

当初，

天使还未降临我身边，

我觉得好寂寞。

可是我从未放弃，

一直和天使沟通，

尽我能力去了解她，

体会她的感受，

解开她心中的迷惑。

终于有一天，

天使被我感动了。

她接受了我，

附在我身边

随时跟着我一起走，

不管路有多长，

表面上的坑有多深，

她仍在我背后

推着我向前走，

鼓励，劝勉我。

天使能如此奋不顾身，

为我坚持下去，

我也不想让她失望，

我跑步时约了她，

天使不是个神秘的物质吗？

为何她飞了不久

久没体力了呢？

我放慢脚步，

在天使附近慢走，

与她聊天，

谈心事。

还记得有一次，

天使好好笑，

陪我这么久了

还不知我喜欢什么颜色。

我告诉了她，

想不到的是

她辛辛苦苦学了

还为我折了

一枚紫色的纸花。

到现在，

那朵花还在我桌子上。

每天起身和睡觉前都会望一下。

但是最让我看不惯的是

天使累了。

有一天，

在我面对人生其一的迷惑时，

想要天使在我身边

陪伴着我。

可是，

她却在那一天累了，

不再当我的天使了。

我试过几次留住天使，

让她继续留在我身旁。

但她拒绝了，

累了。

理由是累了。

累于我无数的埋怨，

累于我不听的诉苦，

累于留在我身边。

天使在临走前留下了

一枚吉他pick给我。

希望我会珍惜它，

用它来谈好吉他，

不再上自己的手指。

天使，

对不起！

我还是没办法使用它。

你累了，

走了，

它就成为我唯一的伴侣了。

天使累了，

其大原因是我。

我深深希望有一天，

天使恢复体力后，

会回到我身边。

只能这么希望。

直到那一天，

我会带着你送给我的

吉他pick

一直带在我身边，

让她暂时代替你，

成为守护我的天使。

希望它不会累吧？！ xD

how i feel

2009-09-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

I'm always searching for you, always searching for your figure.

At the opposite train platform, or through a window into the back alley.

Or in my dreams...

Though I know there's no way you could be here.

I'll always end up looking somewhere for your smile...

Whenever I see you around, deep down.... my heart... it clenches up a little.

Although I am sad, time still continues to drift slowly forwards me. I clench my teeth tightly together, and could do nothing but endure the pain and hold back my tears.

With that thought in mind, I continued to gaze out over the landscape beyond the car's window... forever.

I still remember the time when you were sad, and I called to check. Through the receiver painfully pressed against my ear, your own pain was palpable. But... there was nothing I could do. I felt useless.

Through the act of living itself, sadness piles up here and there. Whether in the sheets hung to dry in the sun, the single toothbrush in my bathroom or the history logs of my cellphone.

"Even now, I still love you..."

I wrote that in a text message that is still stored in my cellphone till this very moment.

But I'm sure even if we had written 1000 messages back and forth, our hearts probably wouldn't have moved even 1 centimeter closer.

Over these past few weeks, I've only wanted to move forward and touch that which I couldn't reach, though I've never been able to tangibly define what it was. Not knowing where those near intimidating thoughts came from, I simply continued to live. As things finally came into focus, I was in unbearable pain, knowing my heart had gradually lost its freedom and flexibility in bygone days.

And then, one morning...

When I realized I had completely lost my earnest and acute feelings from long ago, I knew I was at my limit and lost my mind...

Yesterday, I dreamt a dream. A dream from long ago. Within the dream, I was seated in a hall screaming with teenagers and performers. In the distance, the lights shimmering in front of me were set sparsely, far and wide. All that could be seen was the glorious orchestra, with you playing the musical instrument gracefully.

The new dawn, how I'll be from now on, and the words of love I could never tell you.

On this night, where it seems the stars will fall from the sky, I want to be truthful to myself.

And then, I wished, without hesitation, that one day, I would be able to see you perform in a bigger stage. Yes. I'll see you then.

If wishes do come true, I want to be by your side.

Again.

2009-09-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

~ Losing out on life.... That's me.. ~

SADNESS CREEPS INTO ME

2009-09-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, knowing it's been the third night in a row that I have dreamt of her.

Why!? At times like these, when I'm trying to forget, why do I have to dream of things that hurt me most!?

Is there something I've not done? Am I still stuck!?

Just few nights ago, I was super happy to receive this msg:

Louise -Compared with previous nights, tonight you're actually euphoric. Hahaha. Night. :)

-Excessively happy. I much prefer this euphoric Kian Seong. Haha. Night.

I thought I had gotten over it mostly. I thought, for once, I could have led the normal life like usual. The one where she wasn't in it. I lied to myself.

Friday evening, I limped my way back home. My left knee got twisted or dislocated. Some shit like that. Each time I make high jumps or run as fast as I could to rescue the ball from reaching the outside boundaries, I push my left leg.

It's my first and only option for acceleration and jumping. Quite a lot of people cared for my leg, asked me not to run so much.

THANK YOU ALL!!! But, if I don't run, I won't ever get the joy of playing thrilling basketball, I'd be a burden to all my teammates.

AND because, I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT HERE...

On my way back, I had to pass by another basketball court. As I was walking through the grass, I noticed something pinkish caught my eye. I looked on the ground. Feng Ling Hua. A gust of wind blew and pretty soon most of the flowers that grew on the tree fell off.

A miracle. She once told me that the flowers only bloom once a year.. It bloomed twice this year. Funny huh. She was the one that found out about it and told me the name of it. And after that, I called her dumb and stupid. I regretted. The barren tree had most of its flowers on the ground now, leaving behind dried, balding branches...

When did the flowers grow? Why hadn't I noticed? It must've shown how deep I had been in my thoughts till I had forgotten my surroundings.

I wonder how my sleep will turn out tonight. Frankly speaking, somethings, the more you try to forget, the more you'll remember.

" Memories are never forgotten. They are only hidden. "

And I wished that I could turn back time, and hope you were still here with me..

I can only wish. Under the resonance of the full moon.

DAMMIT!

2009-09-04T01:20:00.000-07:00

失去你的第四十四天，心里（难过得很)

I don't know what I can do to stop this confusing emotions of mine right now.

For two nights in a row, I've been dreaming of her. Here's the worst part, part of me felt like staying in the dream forever. Part of me felt like waking up on the spot. Because I know, no matter what happens, there's no reason we'd ever be together again. We don't even talk anymore either.

What makes things worse is that I've been having sleepless nights recently and I have been resolving to drinking Nescafe every morning in college to compensate for the 3-5 hours of sleep I've had.

And then I try to last as long as I can, finishing the Nescafe in minutes actually makes you awake as the caffeine accumulates very fast to keep you wary.

As soon as my tests was over, part of me grew tired. I fell asleep in class...

I feel that it's really killing me. My education and my emotions. They don't mix at all.

I've been using a new technique to forget about her. Trust me I have. Of the three people that I've told to, two of them say it's a good idea. The last one said it was stupid and I was only going to create more problems for myself.

I have to agree wif the last person. But I'm not going to tell you my technique. You'd have to ask me first then I decide whether I will tell you or not.

However for the past few days, as I walk home alone myself as usual, I noticed that --

我愈是想把她忘记，愈是想起她，愈是被记忆束薄着，无法得到心里的自由。

今早，我在巴士里默默听歌时，突然间流出了几滴眼泪。

“ 这些泪水，并非原自悲哀，伤心和绝望的感觉。而是我仍还未能放下对你的爱，心中对你的情绪依然在耍我。”

我傻笑了一下，往一下我左边，坐在我座位对面也是个孤独的女孩。她望着窗外，背对着我。好吧，轮到我看着外面的风景，反正没法睡在巴士里了。

我连自己的情绪都稳定不下来，不知如何控制自己的脉搏。

心里的苦痛，只有我自己才知道，却又被自己忽视着。

最伤痛的是在我得到刺激与快乐，我们起初开始认识的地方遇见你，但是很清楚我们会不到过去，只能当作未和任何一方认识过，遗忘了各自的存在，那才是令我心里最刺痛的一刻。

我们。。。可算是互不相干了。。。

你在我心中所留下的痕迹，我永远永远无法移开，只能慢慢等待着时间让它痊愈。

让曾经是你的镜子的我，渐渐摆回碎片，从新创出没有联系到你的新开始。

~ 谢谢你 ~

2009-08-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

如果我變成回憶

累了照慣例努力清醒著也照慣例想妳了
Lei le Zhao guan li nu li qing xing zhe Ye zhao guan li xiang ni le
When I'm tired I keep trying hard to stay awake as usual I keep thinking of you as usual too
好怕一放心睡了心跳在夢中不聽話的就停止了
Hao pa yi fang xin shui le Xin tiao zai meng zhong bu ting hua de Jiu ting zhi le
I'm really scared that when my mind is at rest and I'm asleep In my dreams my heartbeat won't listen to me And just stop

聽著呼吸像浪潮拍動著越美麗越讓我忐忑
Ting zhe Hu xi xiang lang chao pai dong zhe Yue mei li yue rang wo tan te
Listen; The sound of breathing like waves splashing The more beautiful it gets, the more I feel uneasy
我還能珍惜什麼如果我連自己的脈搏都難掌握
Wo hai neng zhen xi shen me Ru guo wo lian zi ji de mai bo Dou nan zhang wo
What can I still cherish If I can barely control my own pulse?

如果我變成回憶退出了這場生命
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Tui chu le zhe chang sheng ming
If I became a memory - withdrew from this life
留下妳錯愕哭泣我冰冷身體擁抱不了妳
Liu xia ni cuo e ku qi Wo bing leng shen ti Yong bao bu liao ni
Leaving you startled and weeping My ice-cold body No longer able to embrace you
想到我讓深愛的妳人海孤獨旅行
Xiang dao wo rang shen ai de ni Ren hai gu du lv xing
Thinking that I'll leave you, the one I love To travel among the sea of people alone
我會恨自己如此狠心
Wo hui hen zi ji Ru ci hen xin
I will hate myself For being so heartless

如果我變成回憶終於沒那麼幸運
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Zhong yu mei na me xing yun
If I became a memory - finally not so lucky
沒機會白著頭髮蹣跚牽著妳看晚霞落盡
Mei ji hui bai zhe tou fa Pan shan qian zhe ni Kan wan xia luo jin
No chance Of us tottering while holding your hand Hair grown white Watching the sunset
漫長時光總有一天妳會傷心痊癒
Man chang shi guang Zong you yi tian Ni hui shang xin quan yu
In this very long period of time There'll be a day When your broken heart will heal
若有人可以讓他陪妳我不怪妳
Ruo you ren ke yi Rang ta pei ni Wo bu guai ni
If someone can [heal your wound] Let him stay accompany you I won't blame you

快樂什麼時候會結束呢哪一刻是最後一刻
Kuai le Shen me shi hou hui jie su ne Na yi ke shi zui hou yi ke
Happiness When will it end? When is the very end?
想把妳緊緊抱著可知妳是我生命中的最捨不得
Xiang ba ni jing jing bao zhe Ke zhi ni shi wo sheng ming zhong de Zui she bu de
I really want to embrace you tightly Know that you're the one in my life I can't bear to leave the most

如果我變成回憶退出了這場生命
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Tui chu le zhe chang sheng ming
If I became a memory - withdrew from this life
留下妳錯愕哭泣我冰冷身體擁抱不了妳
Liu xia ni cuo e ku qi Wo bing leng shen ti Yong bao bu liao ni
Leaving you startled and weeping, my ice-cold body no longer able to embrace you
想到我讓深愛的妳人海孤獨旅行
Xiang dao wo rang shen ai de ni Ren hai gu du lv xing
Thinking that I'll leave you, the one I love To travel among the sea of people alone
我會恨自己如此狠心
Wo hui hen zi ji Ru ci hen xin
I will hate myself For being so heartless

如果我變成回憶終於沒那麼幸運
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Zhong yu mei na me xing yun
If I became a memory - finally not so lucky
沒機會白著頭髮蹣跚牽著妳看晚霞落盡
Mei ji hui bai zhe tou fa Pan shan qian zhe ni Kan wan xia luo jin
No chance to Tottering while holding your hand Hair grown white Watching the sunset
漫長時光總有一天妳會傷心痊癒
Man chang shi guang Zong you yi tian Ni hui shang xin quan yu
In this very long period of time There'll be a day When your broken heart will heal
若有人可以讓他陪妳我不怪妳
Ruo you ren ke yi Rang ta pei ni Wo bu guai ni
If someone can [heal your wound], let him stay accompany you, I won't blame you

如果我變成回憶最怕我太不爭氣
Ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi Zui pa wo tai be zheng qi
If I became a memory - I'm most afraid that I'll let myself down
頑固地賴在空氣霸佔妳心裡每一吋縫隙
Wan gu de lai zai kong qi Ba zhan ni xin li Mei yi cun feng xi
Stubbornly lingering in the air Dominating your heart Every part of it
連累依然愛我的妳痛苦承受失去
Lian lei yi ran ai wo de ni Tong ku cheng shou shi qu
Making the you that still loves me, suffer painfully for this loss
這樣不公平請妳盡力把我忘記
Zhe yang bu gong ping Qing ni jin li Ba wo wang ji
This isn't fair Please try your best To forget me

Broken Pick

2009-08-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

I think this picture represents it all...

2009-08-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

Lifted from Olivia...

-----------------------

GEORGE TOWN: Malaysians will be able to sight up to a total of 100 Perseid meteors per hour streaking across the northern sky in the wee hours of Thursday morning.

Universiti Sains Malaysia’s Astronomy Atmospheric Science Unit lecturer Assoc Prof Dr Chong Hon Yew said that according to the International Meteor Organisation (IMO). the meteor shower is expected to be best viewed from 1.30am to 4am on Thursday.

“The shower could have started on July 24 and is expected to be observed until Aug 17.

“It is however predicted that during the peak viewing time (Thursday morning), the moon will be high in the sky, outshining the fainter meteors.

“There is a good chance for observers to spot the brighter meteors however,” he said on Wednesday.

Dr Chong also hoped the weather would be favourable for the Perseids to be seen.

Those who miss tomorrow’s meteor shower may still catch a “lesser version” after midnight Thursday, or early Friday morning.

Dr Chong said the Perseids are a prolific meteor shower associated with the comet Swift-Tuttle which are usually fast, bright and occasionally leave persistent trains.

“The point they come from lies in the constellation of Perseus,” he said.

The Perseid meteor shower has been observed for about 2,000 years, with the first known sighting coming from the Far East.

Every year in August, the Earth passes through rock and dust fragments left behind by the comet Swift-Tuttle. As these small particles collide with the Earth’s atmosphere, they burn up, often creating a startling streak of light across the sky.

The shower is visible from mid-July each year, with the greatest activity between Aug 8 and Aug 14, peaking at about Aug 12.

Dr Chong said the meteor shower can be observed with the naked eye.

----------------------

The meteor rain. If each meteor grants a wish. I would make all my wishes into a single wish :

That she'll move on and forget bout me and smile forever. =)

2009-08-13T17:33:00.000-07:00

失去你的第二十二天，心里（别再伤心, 就此道别)

One day, someone will be there to hold you and make you feel happy. Not like me.

Take care. Don't be sad ever again. You're not the mentally strongest girl i've seen. But you're still the one i fell for.

Although it hurts to see you this way, but i know, i'm not going to do anything about it. Coz you rejected my help.

So... This will be the end. Our story stops here.

~ Here comes goodbye. =) ~

2009-08-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

Here comes Goodbye - Rascal Flatts

~

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

~

2009-08-09T21:46:00.001-07:00

失去你的第十八天，心里（你还好吗？)

I present you my heart. The only colored thing left inside me. It beats for her. And it still does.

I do not know what else I can say... I am quite speechless. This morning I woke up thinking of her. My heart was kind of pain.. If only I had a reason that could hold you back. If only I would be fine since you left. I guess I would never have been blogging so often.

Day by day, I use the blog as my way to release wateva sadness or loneliness I'm feeling. It makes me feel slightly better after blogging.

Listen to these song.

ROTTARA ROTTARA - BUONO
~
どれくらい　胸いっぱいの愛を
どれくらい　胸いっぱいの愛を
抱えたら　僕ら　伝えられるんだろう

How much love do I need
How much love do I need
to hold in my chest before we can tell each other?
~

Kokuhaku no funsui hiroba - Berryz Kobo
~

あなたが好き
胸が痛い
怖いけれど
打ち明けたの

友達には
戻れないは
うなずいてよ

あなたはわざとに
咳をしてごまかす
わかっていたはず
私の本心

なんなの　こんなの
だめならだめでいい
涙になりそう
沈黙が続く

苦しんでる
あなたがいる
こめんなさい
急すぎだわ

自分だけを
考えてた
私ピエロ

I love you
So much my chest hurts
I'm afraid, but
I've spoken my mind

I can't go back
to being friends
So nod your head yes

You purposely faked
a cough
You should've known
my true feelings

What is it? Acting like this...
If it's hopeless, that's okay
Seems like I'm going to cry
The silence continues

I'm suffering
Because you're here
I'm so sorry
It's too sudden

I was only thinking
of myself
I'm such a fool*

2009-08-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

失去你的第十六天，心里（你还好吗？)

This morning I was glad to wake up without any heart or chest aches.. Muahaha... xD But stupid Jack lar, sms me say walk to Old Town Coffee... I reach there waited 20 mins only you all appear... WALAU-EH...

Let me sleep more lar, I've been having sleepless nights lately. De cause I'm not sure..

My heart is working at a very weird rate now. During bball, I run out of breath very fast. My heart doesn't beat as fast as usual. Even when I see pretty girls.. My heart no reaction, like dead.

Just kidding.. xD right now, I'm just too down to notice any1 pretty.. SRY to all d pretty girls out there.. T.T

So this morning had breakfast and chatted with all my bball mates. I was quite talkative compared to my usual old self. Mayb this could be a new start? I deno.

LET ME PRESENT MY PICTURE OF THE DAY... x)

This is how I feel. I'm all alone in the afternoon. Studying on my bed, placing my phone downstairs as to avoid anything. I don't want to be so attached to my phone.

Now let me explain the weirdest part of my life...

1. My heart pain came back. I rolled on my bed and unknowingly either fell asleep or went unconscious.

2. The ringing of my phone woke me up.

3. It was beside me when the last I placed it was downstairs.

4. My room door was locked and my parents weren't home.

5. I'm FREAKED OUT!

It was Yen... He fetched me and Khai Sim to Baskin Robbins to collect our pay and ice-cweam.. xD

So I just pretend like nothing happened and went.

Imagine the first person there tat caught my eye.

I walked and waved. "Hello Sham Cheah..."

XD LoLz... (at that moment my heart was stinging pain)

But I held it in...

My left knee, my right thumb... I can kiss goodbye to you two my friend. Very soon.

I'm overstressing myself, and my knee is starting to give in d. I feel weak after every high jump, which prevents me from making another second jump.

Can I let my heart out for a moment?

I was the first to go to bball ytd. Then E came...

E : Today **** ** not coming, fever. Xin Yin camp...

Me : Okayy.... (so???)

E : I went to orphanage to help out jus now...

Me : Well, tat's good...

E : But not in this shirt, I changed.. I was wearing Sri KDU shirt...

Me : ........

E : *blabbers on and on....

At some point we were about 2-3 feets distance, she threw the ball with two hands, entirely missing the board, I was lucky enough to see it and dodge in the NICK OF TIME!!

'Me and the board, do you have any idea how far that was? It was not even close, how it even flew to me I don't wanna know.'

I just walked slowly picked up the ball and continued training. Ignoring his further words, I wanted to concentrate... I wanna be Kevin, for now and forever..

In the end, I jus pretended tat mayb his hand slipped. Tat he was saying those things to... I deno for wat purpose also...

Just let me get by the next half-year. It's hard enough for me right now, stop poking where it hurts, you lousy fren... I don't know and don't wanna know ur intentions, BUZZ OFF!

I know tat I no longer play any role in her life anymore...

The show...

The songs...

The picture I drew...

The song I sang...

The flower I made...

Stupid aren't I? XD Doing so many things. Stab me someone, can make it quick...

BETTER YET. SHOOT ME!

2009-08-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

失去你的第十五天，心里（一直为你担心)

~ Lifted from Messa (deviantart) ~

Trapped in the Abyss
Where color was absent
I swore I saw
A glimmer of light
Maybe it was you.

That light/color is the girl, representing 'you', and therefore when his world is in absence of color, it is in absence of 'you'.

My heart melts and weeps for you. But the minute you're not around, it freezes again.

I dun reli have much to say.. But instead I have a lot of pictures in which I'll be posting for the next few days... One by one. =)

I'll let the pictures do the talking for me...

2009-08-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

失去你的第十四天，心里（心里仍是不安)

This morning, I think at about 2am... I woke up with a very sharp stinging pain in my heart. Chest or heart, I can't really tell.

I rolled on the bed time after time till I couldn't take it. I dropped to the floor and continued rolling on it with my hands clutched on my chest..

The coldness of the floor eventually seeped into me I think.

It got better and then I knew my heart was beating very fast and I was gasping for breath...

I climbed back onto my bed and slept it off...

Been playing guitar for a few nights without any pick. My fingers are bleeding a little d.. But the serene tune resonates in my heart...

At about 5.30am, I automatically woke up with the pain still there. But it was way better. I asked myself if this pain was caused emotionally or physically?

I HAVE NO ANSWER.

Today it made me feel weird during morning. I was paying attention during class when it started raining heavily. And immediately it struck me. I wan very concerned for her. Without hesitation, I messaged her asking how she was...

She told me she practised in the rain. I felt two things on the spot.

---

1. She's strong enough to go through it, I shouldn't worry.

2. She's going to get ill...

---

I don't know which part of myself to beliv in. But part of me was telling me to trust the first point. And I did..

[ Uh, then something happened during English lesson... Reli reli stupid... Not gonna say... ask me in person if you want to noe... ]

After that went pool (similar to snooker) in AC. I tried to release my anger by whacking the balls as hard as I could. There was suppose to be badminton.. But then everyone came at 3pm when the actual time was 2pm. Great leh? Malaysian timing...

After that, we went and played from 4.30pm to 6pm at Taman Megah court.

At first, I played strokes for a while and den d pain came back. Wah, straight away sit down and rest. But after that the pain totally disappeared and I only played strokes for the rest of the time...

The pain never came back.

Den had dinner with them before going back.

~I'm sorry I played. But I promised them I'd go. I minimized my movements, so don't worry alright? ~

I was so worried when she told me she was feeling unwell. Was it the run in the rain? I really hope so.. Then it will just be a small problem. I reli hope you're alright. I'm gonna pray now and wish you all the best...

MESSAGE TO HER : Please take care of urself k?

There's no pain in my heart now... Not yet? I'm not sure. =) But I might be coming down with sore throat...

I typed this during maths... Sorry, name shall be unknown... =) Good nights...

2009-08-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

失去你的第十二天，心里（充满遗憾)

Last night, I messaged two of my friends. J and L.

I asked, "Do you two (u n ur **) still talk after d break up?"

J : Yes. But even if we do, it'll last 5 mins. There's nth in common between us... I won't give shit to a guy who doesn't care bout me.

L : We only say hi. Tat's as far as it gets.

Wow... nice.. So this is the ending of break-ups huh. It's reli depressing to see them this way. J broke up becoz the guy couldn't commit. L's reason was becoz she couldn't see any future with him at all.

Future? L said something that reli hit me where it hurts...

"Girls tend to think bout the future more den guys. Guys only live in the present.."

I cannot tell u it's wrong. But I have thought about the future. But as soon as I did, it ended before my eyes.

And now, I'm seeing how two friends who reli hope to be close again ignoring one another.

Oh dear moon, you're so round tonight... Can you just fulfill my wish? I wish that the two of them will get back together. I don't mind if you take anything from me, including my life. I know, miracles don't happen, I'd have to act at some point. But I don't know if I can do it.

One wants me out of her life. The other wants me to be there for the first one, but she won't take the responsibility of patching things up.

Let me point this out, I cannot leave seeing you this way... I'm sure that every person who's fallen in love with another would want what's best for the other. And I want you to live normally like before.

[---

This evening, I witnessed a friend of mine, named E. He hung up a small girl's shoes on a tree. And the small girl sat aside alone. Very lonely, she was sad, almost about to cry. Lucky her uncle came and stopped E. He's 17 now, why doesn't he know how to care for her feelings? in fact he's quite spoilt. He is nice to kids, but does not always consider their feelings.

At that time, I reli felt like going there to scold him. But...

Screw it! He doesn't deserve my time. I went to take care of the girl first. While her uncle got her shoes back for her. It might have ended in an argument if I went...

I just don't know now. With someone like him around, I'm just worried he would influence those around him. Especially since I'm never with him, I cannot stop him...

---]

I feel so useless. I'm gonna sleep now and erase my sadness for the day. Tomorrow is going to be a brand new day.. Moon, please grant me my wish. Thank you. =)

2009-08-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

失去你的第一天，心里（崩溃)

I asked. Is it really true that you have replaced me in your heart?

You said I can think it that way if I want.

Why must you always make it tough for me.

"You'll get used to it without me soon..."

"Someone will replace me..."

Do you know every word.... no.... every single alphabet actually tears my heart apart? bit by bit. I lose myself, I try not to cry over it. I hold it in.

The worst part is, I let my heart do all the suffering, taking in all the burden.

By day, I may seem emotionless, occasionally smiling once or twice. But during the night, I'm Kian Seong. My heart crumbles every night as I hug my pillow tightly, with my phone in the other hand.

DO YOU THINK THAT PEOPLE ARE REPLACEABLE? DO YOU EVEN TREASURE LIFE? UR FEELINGS AND OTHERS?!

YOU ALWAYS BLAME ME FOR BEING SACRIFICIAL, AREN'T YOU DOING THE SAME? BUT MINE IS PHYSICALLY. YOURS IS EMOTIONALLY. YOU'RE AVOIDING AND IGNORING YOUR FEELINGS...

"Neh. I'm fine."

"I'm really fine."

These messages... I don't know why but they can never convince me that you are alright.

I have no more strength left to type. I'm emotionally drained and weakened. Every word I type hurts myself more than it may hurt you.

Today is going to be a rainy day... I hope the moon will bless me.

2009-08-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

失去你的第天，心里（心里仍是不安)

This morning I woke up in my sweat. I had several nightmares last night. Few. Some contained her. Some with other people.

Just the night before I went to pasar malam to have dinner on my own. Just when I thought it was going to get boring, I met Yi Ran. Yay? XD Since two years back, I have not seen my senior d..

(picture taken three years back)

She reli changed alot. That's wat I thought at first. Her appearance was different only. Her attitude, pretty much the same. So we chatted like two old people meeting each other again.

Then I popped the question.

"Got any boyfriend?"

She paused for a moment. The hesitation told me that she was wondering how to answer me.

"No..." She said.

It's most probably that she was hurt before in a relationship. Maybe it was something she did not want to talk about. I felt sad for her. She's like my Jie Jie. I felt bad for asking her that.

"What about you leh?" She asked me back.

"The Pan Mee here nice ar?" I changed the topic and I'm sure she sensed that I felt uncomfortable talking about it. So we changed subject.

She companied me till I finished my dinner. Thanks. Yi Ran. =)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was quite sad to know that she was left alone by her best friend. Or ex-best friend. The two of them rarely talked. It's like me now. I rarely talk to my best friend too. Or there is barely even a need to anymore.

But I really do hope that she knows that there are people who reli care about her and will be there for her whenever she's down.

I WILL BE THERE WHENEVER SHE NEEDS ME..

But i cannot guarantee i'm able to make her happy. That's wat makes me sad the most. I can only wonder how much sorrow I can bring when she talks to me. When she's down, I have to always be strong for her. To always shower her with love and smiles and make her happy. Even though she's no longer mine. I hate it but I have to accept it I guess...

I have to be matured and take care of her feelings while I'd most likely abandon mine. That's me, Kevin. The self-centered Kian Seong is long gone...

I know there's nothing I can do to make her change her mind. There's always a very sharp pain in my heart when I think bout it now. A sharper pain compared to before. It feels like I've been stabbed. It really is that bad. Or maybe it was my weak heart from the start.

Let's put it this way.

~I'm Kevin with Kian Seong's heart inside me...~

I hope she'll just let me be there for her now. At least for another half a year. Before I go overseas to further studies. That time it'll be her boyfriend or best friend's job to take care of her. We can only live once..

So live it happily. Let your smiles take care of things.

=)

2009-08-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

失去你的第九天，心里（心里仍是不安)

Alright, let me start by saying a few things first...

1. My whole body is aching.

2. I might be coming down with an illness.

3. I pray that she returns home safe and sound today.

I don't reli have much to say actually. So I'll just tell you a sad story ba.

There was dis kid, named X. He was a dumb kid who just fell in love with this girl, Y. This girl did in fact like him back and pretty soon their love bloomed. Imagine exchanging messages day after day like any other normal couples did. They enjoyed the time spent talking to one another.

And then one day, X totally lost his phone in the house. No matter how hard he searched, he couldn't find it. He was desperate to reply Y's message but no matter how he still wasn't able to find it. He was sad throughout the day, depressed and worried. He had argued with his parents due to his bad mood. His parents scolded him and eventually smacked him, denying him lunch and dinner.

Now you guys will surely wonder, why don't you just phone the handphone and find the ringing tone. But X's phone was in silent mode. Pure silent, no ringing tone nor vibration. How are you suppose to find it?

Without having anything to eat at all, X succumbed to his bed. Tears wetting his pillow. Suddenly he remembered where he had left it. X dug out his phone and found three msg's from Y waiting for him.

He replied them instantly and did something he thought was the most clever thing he did.

X searched his namelist and removed Y's name, leaving the number behind. This way, he would always remember her number. And when he is unable to reply her with his phone, he would use some other phone to do his texting.

Months later. The break-up happened. Guess what? No matter how X tried to forget, he would always remember Y's number even more. It had become a torture to him, holding the phone, preparing messages that he knew he wouldn't send. All stacking in his drafts. X now knew that it was a stupid move. Thus, he suffered for the remaining of his days trying to forget something that was already implanted into his head. In the end, he could never forget the number thus preventing him from moving on.

I'm not X. Just if anyone wants to know. I'm not as smart as him. I'm way... way dumber. X is my twin, Kian Seong... XD

just to tell this story for fun lar... I aso deno wat to type.. haha...

Another story i lifted off some website...

"I Love You"

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…

“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.
“I can’t”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…”

He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…

Then one day…

Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin…

Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday

After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.

Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!

But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…

Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.
That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.

Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…

“One…two… three…” That was how… I started to count the dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…

“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls,shocked.

“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.

“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…

“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”

The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…

For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life.

2009-08-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

Sono subete no ai ni ~ berryz kobo

kanashii no wa jibun dakedo【Tsugunaga】
hitori omotteita【Kumai】
I thought the sadness was all but mine

namida ga tomaranai yorutachi【Shimizu】
My tears are not stopping, in the nights

samishii no wa umaretsuki to【Tokunaga】
Loneliness was born

katte ni omotteta【Sudou】
I selfishly thought so

kawaita kokoro no naka MISSING YOU【Natsuyaki】
In my withered heart, MISSING YOU

furikaereba soko ni minna ita no ne 【All】
Whenever I look back, everyone was there right

DAME na watashi nande darou? yatto tachi agareru【Sugaya】
Its not good of me. What was it again? Even when I finally became independent

yasashisa ni mimamo rare aruite kitan da ne【All】
We walk together by taking care of each other in a kind way

hitoribocchi nanka janai【All】
You're not alone

taisetsu na hito ga takusan iru yo hora ne 【All】
There's lots of precious people around, right?

sono subete no ai ni SAN KYUU【All】
Thank you for all your love

kibishii no wa kirawareteru【Tsugunaga】
I dislike strictness

sou omoi kondeta【Kumai】
that was how I convinced myself

itami ga mune wo utsu yorutachi【Shimizu】
It was heart wrenching, in the nights

kawaii ko wa umaretsuki to【Tokunaga】
When a cute child is born

JERASHII wo kanjita【Sudou】
Naturally I feel the jealousy

futsu no mainichi no naka MISSING YOU【Natsuyaki】
In my normal everyday life, MISSING YOU

omoi kaeseba itsumo anata ita no ne【All】
Whenever I think of returning, you were always around right

ima made no watashi nante mou SAYONARA shiyou【Sugaya】
The me until now, no matter who i was, say goodbye (to it)

yasashisa wa itsumademo mune no naka ni aru【All】
There's always kindness in your heart

hitoribocchi nanka janai【All】
You're not alone

egao de afureteru hito ga sobani iru【All】
There's a person overflowing with smiles next to me here

sono subete no ai ni SAN KYUU【All】
Thank you for all the love

yasashisa wa itsumademo mune no naka ni aru【All】
There's always kindness in your heart

hitoribocchi nanka janai【All】
You're not alone

egao de afureteru hito ga sobani iru【All】
There's a person overflowing with smiles next to me here

sono subete no ai ni SAN KYUU【All】
Thank you for all the love

2009-07-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

失去你的第八天，心里（再见建祥)

It's already been eight days. Yes. It's first of August d. Kian Seong is no longer here. Wat's left is a person called Kevin.

Thursday, I went to Baskin Robbins for briefing and my first try out after college. During introduction to my supervisor, Melissa, I held back my real name by calling myself Kevin.

Eventually, on the day itself I was called Kevin the whole day by my colleagues and friends. SO happy.. X)

Alright, now I shall explain from morning till evening.

Morning, I pretended to go to college. Then when my parents left home, I returned and packed to get ready to work full day. They thought I working half day only. But i have my reasons.

So... I was at Baskin Robbins at 9am. Me, Leon, Boon Yen, Khai Sim and Yin Yee were given caps, BR shirts and aprons before start of work. Very smelly the clothes. They never wash wan... EEWW.. we kept complainin only. haha...

Then, work started. Wah.. crazy man. The queue never end man. Up to closing time there were always customers. ALWAYS! Now I will explain the sizes of the cups:

Pint - my fav coz small

Quartz - many ppl order, but not easy to scoop

1/2 Gallon - insya-allah... So much to put inside man

And of coz, Leon's Rum Raisin's DOUBLE D CUP! XD

So we started working at 9.30am. Walau, a lot of people came man. The first four orders of the day, three were mine. See how geng i am? XD

Now, let me tell you the three things that every worker does. And it goes in order too.

1. Check out customer (pretty girl? leng zai? kind or bitchy ppl? mine was last category only)

2. Pray hard... pray dam hard the size they order is Pint. If not den Quartz. No 1/2 gallon coz that will be killing.

3. Hoping customer order easy-to-scoop ice-cream.

I'll explain without exaggeration on point three now.

Some ice-cream hor, melted and froze again, so it's like a whole big ice cube. geng leh. Now, in order to scoop it up, we had to use our scooping ting and stab it as hard as we could.

The best was Very Berry Strawberry, Jamoca and Coconut. I had to do four 1/2 gallons for these flavors. Took me 20 mins to get the whole ting filled up only. I have never seen ice-cream harder than a piece of BRICK!

We had to take it out from the freezer, let it melt and then scoop the edges. Sien man. Reli wan die tat time.

Let me tell everyone this THING! There is nothing about me that looks like a Malay except my skin color. So stop using malay to communicate with me. This is how it went. Out of 10 customers, 6 spoke to me in Malay.

All these 6 were chinese.

All Malays I attended to spoke in English.

See the big difference? Malays can differentiate me. Chinese.... Not so geng.

T.T

Who came to see us? Uncle from bball court. Ze Xiang and Lucas (had lunch wif them, awesome supportive friends). Shereen (why u din buy? T.T). Kevang (thanks thanks for coming. You look way better now. Sry no time talk to you.. T.T).

The rest ar... Haiz. I called 10 ppl who said dey'll be dere. In the end only two turned up. Oh yea, practically lunch started at 4pm for me and Boon Yen. Dinner at 11pm. So whole day only had two meals. And at very awkward times.

Luckily all my colleagues are friendly. Quite funny some of them. Nice people. Helpful. My day was quite enjoyable thanks to them seriously.

*There was this malay senior, named Shamsilah, Shamsiah, Sham Cheah? I deno her name reli. She had the same looks as her. From head to toe. I came here to work my mind off and guess wat? it made me remember the times of the past only. But Shamsiah was quite nice, always helping me out and complainin at me for being soft towards customers.* sowee... I am a gentle person in general wan mar.. And no... I have no feelings for her at all. I dun have feelings for anyone else.

I am actually forcing myself to type all these despite the cuts, bruises and pain i'm suffering all over my hands. I touched dry ice too long so parts of my skin is very sensitive now and got burning sensation sometimes. T.T

By the time everything ended it was 12.30am. So I dragged myself into Yin Yee's car and had to walk back home from Khai Sim's house. Arrived home at 1.20am...

Took a nice long bath, cut the blister on my fingers (painful man!), massage and soak my fingers in hot water and then head to bed. Dam tired. OMG....

So this is a hard days work at Baskin Robbins. I don't mind working again, but I have to warn those people without tolerance. YOU WILL DIE DOING IT!!

I love this song. I know it's a bit too late and outdated. But recently I find the meaning of the lyrics suit me...

Secondhand Serenade : Your Call

2009-07-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

失去你的第六天，心里（还放不下)

It's very funny sometimes... I wonder where I stand now. My tears have completely dried up. I have lost most of the sadness feelings inside me. This is because... Because you messaged me? It reli makes me feel better.. A lot better.

But it breaks my heart to know that you're grumpy. I can still vividly remember how you use to be so happy all the time, how you'd use to trick me and make fun of me. That's the kind, gentle soul that I will remember always. So please, don't be like that. I don't mind admitting -

You are the first person I used ' =) ' in my messages. And in a very large number. Almost in all my msgs.

I want you to be happy. Smile. Remember the CIRCUMZENITHAL ARC? It was the first time I saw an upside down RAINBOW. And you were the first person I told you about.

On my way to college, the bus passes by a road that still contains your school's banner. The one that I attend at the start of the year. Together with you. Just months down, since when did our distance suddenly get so far?

It's hard for you to adapt to the sudden changes.. I guess? It's the same here... Let's do our best and see where we go alright? Smiles forever.. =)

I'LL STILL BE WAITING...

Here's a firefly. Just one so small... Have you seen it before? =)

Here's the whole gang of fireflies which lights up the tree, making it look as beautiful as a christmas tree. =)

Wo Zhi Dao 我知道 (I Know) Lyrics ~ BY2

从来没想过

不能再和你牵手

委屈时候

没有你

陪着我心痛

一切都是我

太过骄纵

以为你会懂

一直忘了说

我有多感动

我知道你还是爱着我

虽然

分开的理由

我们都已接受

你知道我会有多难过

所以

即使到最后

还微笑着

要我加油

我知道你还放不下我

才会

在离开时

闭着眼没有回头

我们都知道彼此心中

其实

这份爱没停过

曾经完整幸福的梦

在脑海里头

我多希望你

还在我左右

答应你

我会好好过

不让

这些眼泪白流

2009-07-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

失去你的第五天，心里（情不自禁)

Last night, I listened to Breathe after messaging you. I cried and wet my pillow. Haha. I tried to do the dumbest thing ever... I tried to replay the song time after time as I slowly fall to sleep. But everytime the lyrics would get into my head and prevent me from sleeping. It would play and play inside my head, reminding me of how hurt it was for her to let me go.

Time will heal. Time will cure everything. No matter how many times I told myself that. Time is the worse problem for me. Time will do me no good. I have a poor judgement of time. I admit it.

I should stop hiding my real feelings. I know. I'm sorry. Haiz... But a lot of people don't want to see me this way. The usual me that's cheerful and happy. That's the person I might become once more. That's the person that she fell in love from the start.

But throughout the time, I've changed.

I'm SORRY...

If only things could change back now..

This morning, I would have probably made you mad. But you are hiding ur feelings too. Don't tell me that there isn't any feelings left at all...

The smiles of your messages.. Each and every single ' =) ' tears my heart away. Is that how you're really feeling? Is it that you're happy coz I'm around? I don't know. I doubt you'd ever give me an answer.

I might be feeling better a bit now.. But my heart is ever-heavy.

This morning, I listened to 'breathe' once more. But didn't cry...

YAY!!

2009-07-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

失去你的第四天，心里（情不自禁)

This morning, I wanted to wish her best of luck in your exams. And so I did. But the worst part was having receive her message.

"=)

I hope you're moving on...

=)"

I laughed hysterically as I knew that I have not moved on at all, not even by an inch. I'm still stuck where I was left behind by you. I'm still here where I belong, the same old me that still LOVES her. Bracing myself, I sent two more messages. But I knew there wasn't going to be a reply. I cried on the bus, twice. Not reli cry.. But just weep.. The new Mp3 player I have didn't reli help much.

I was still hung up even when I reached college. I dun wan to feel this way, but I can't help it. If only she knew how much I still love her. When I was standing on the edge of a cliff, I knew I wouldn't never fall because she's there. But without her, I've plunged to my death.

I check my drafts, only last night I cleared them. And now, there's already 20 pending drafts waiting for an address to be delivered to.

And during IT lesson, I decided to check out Breathe by Taylor Swift. Why do you keep making me CRY!!!

Do you know how hurt this song is?

Why must you do this? I still don't understand. I still believe that what we had was true. I know it was. Every step I take, every moment I spent listening to this song, i can feel the tears, they are ripping my heart out. I have to quickly wipe them off... I cannot keep crying like this. But I can't help it.

The truth is:

I STILL LOVE YOU... EVERY PART OF ME STILL DOES... DON'T GO...

CAN'T YOU HEAR THAT MY HEART IS CRYING OUT FOR YOU?

2009-07-26T05:57:00.000-07:00

失去你的第三天，心里（生不如死)

This morning, I wished I never woke up. For two reasons, coz I dreamt of you twice... Dreams that I wished would've lasted forever. The second reason, because I know I would woke up to a lonely, raining morning without ur concern.

Being as dumb as usual, I picked up my phone to see the blank display screen. 很遗憾. Was I waiting for a message that would never came? Then I asked myself. Why did it have to rain? Why do I have so many draft messages that I intended to send but have no guts to? The drafts are stacking up and eating up space inside my phone.

It's funny. When I needed most advise, I chose to suck it up. Let me lay out the facts.

1. Jilian is slowly forgetting about her guy after four months of agony.

2. Kevang took three years to move on.

Where do I stand? I asked myself... A loyal guy like myself, will I be between them or worse then Kevang?

I deno wat to do. I just got myself a new mp3 player. It will be my best companion in her absence. Whenever I don't feel good, I'll just have to rely on it to hold my tears back in for me.

Then today, saw her again. I wonder if she feels the same as me, the same tightness feeling in the chest, the heaviness of the heart. And I did the dumbest thing today.

~I TRIED TO PRETEND THAT I WAS FINE~

I joked and laughed with my basketball friends. But the more cheerful I tried to pretend to be, the more it hurts inside me. I was suffocating in sorrow. The moments ticked and time seemed to have slowed down as I waited for the game to end. I realized I wasn't playing at even half of my potential, I was crying deep down inside already.

I was relieved by the time the game ended.. My tears were urging to come out, so I tried to remove them through my sweat pores. I took a big fast jog around the park. By the time I came back, I was panting for breath. But not good enough.

I took my friend's bike and cycled to the back of the houses. There I wiped my tears dry before appearing at the basketball court again. In which I tried not to think about it by staring at the football match. But my last basketball game, the real match between adult teenagers, I performed exceeded my potential. I ran for every ball, tried to block most shots. I scored some, assisted some.

But becoz I kept losing my focus, I sprained my ankle slightly and got scratched multiple times. I cannot go on like this. I'm going to FALL APART soon...

安静 - 周杰伦

你要我说多难堪

我根本不想分开

为什么还要我用微笑来带过

我没有这种天份

包容你也接受他

不用担心的太多

我会一直好好过

你已经远远离开

我也会慢慢走开

为什么我连分开都迁就着你

我真的没有天份

安静得没这么快

我会学着放弃你

是因为我太爱你

2009-07-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

失去你的第二天，心里（倾盆大雨）

Today I woke up multiple times. Or you could say I barely slept at all. I stared at the black ant finding its way across the big white wall. It seems lost. Just like me. In a world of adults, why am I still not mature at all?

I hugged my pillow tightly, feeling that the tears from the night before has not completely dried up. Sorry Kevang, Xin Lin, I know you guys care for me. Thanks Xin Lin for calling me, although I doubt you'd even have time to read my blog.

August come I shall no longer be the Kian Seong you guys once knew. As soon as I step out of this depression of mine, I shall turn into someone else. I have close friends, but ever since secondary school, our distance has grown far apart.

At this point, I don't know the purpose of my life anymore. If given the chance, I would do this -

Morning go college
Noon return home bath
After that go do part-time job
Night return home late and just sleep it off.

What a f***ing coward solution! I keep telling myself.

But I do not want to have free time anymore. My mind wanders away. And my heartbeat stops. I don't feel alive at all. By 8.30am, I was up. The sky was as bright as ever. But inside me, the days has never been darker. It's gloomy and scary within me. I'm scared.

Funny right?

I'M SCARED OF MYSELF!

Haha... I'm laughing hysterically. I've thought of solutions to fill my free time, play comp games, watch TV dramas, do homework and study. But eventually I would get bored of it. I need a social life. Someone who I can talk to. Not everyday but on most days. Someone to share how I feel. And now I do not have anyone.

After this, the only part of me that looks like Kian Seong, is my name only.

I'll become someone different. Kian Seong is someone you once knew.

2009-07-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

失去你的第一天，心里（雨）

Chong Kian Seong is dead as of today... Not physically. But from now onwards, please do not call him by his name anymore. Do not CALL him Kian Seong or 建祥. He does not want to hear tat name anymore.

Give him any nickname... Ugly duckling. The pimple man. Anything... I don't care. Just don't call me by my name anymore.

The only way to have a good night's sleep (without thinking of you) :

1. Sleep as late as possible (1 - 5 am in the morning )

2. Tire myself out. Like I did today. But I tink I still won't be able to sleep. So i'll combine with first technique.

2009-07-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

Can you keep a secret?

Between me and you...

You promise?

I really need to tell you this...

Well,

I'm reli jealous when I heard about what happened.

I trust that you will still be here for me. =)

2009-07-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

BON ODORI 2009

MUAHAHA! You have no idea how clear the pictures were that I took with my DSLR CAMERA! exceptionally beautiful! =)

Alright, after spending about 25 mins on LRT, i got down at central and took another 30 mins in KTM to get to the Shah Alam station. The free shuttle bus arrived at 4.15pm like tat.

After reaching the Matsushita Stadium, we got our free fans that had the agenda on one side and a picture on the other. Smart enough, I took two using my clever brain.

First, this is how the place looks like. I mean the stage lar. When me n Calvin first arrived, the Japanese Students were already practising.

Then of course, so were the guards. They were receiving commands when we arrived.

Still practising, but this time i got a closer shot.

Calvin and me went survey the prices and types of food there. We did not manage to do it last year, so since we were early this time, might as well go and find out lor.

First authentic Japanese girl I saw. I just had to take a pic.

The food here was not reli cheap... So we did not reli buy as we weren't interested in the food too.

Somehow I felt these ppl were local. From their style and their way of walking. I'm here to expose and reveal the secrets and distinguish the real and fake. XD

JAPANESE ICE CREAM! Very nice. RM6 for each type though. The one I had was biscuit type on the outside but Ice cream on the inside. Supremely nice.. X)

Nah... Just to show you how big the field is. The stall section is behind where I stood though.

Takoyaki. Awesome leh... Japanese Sotong-Balls. We bought 6 balls at RM7.. OMG, it was cold.. If hot den better lar...

What would a Japanese culture event be without Sushi King right? They even have their own rotating table tingy here. During night time, it was full man... No chance to eat at all...

These 5 are confirm FAKES! XD

Performers, pure japanese performers before changing into their kimonos.

Alright, I have been waiting to explain this.. XD

Violation number 1 - No COSPLAY!

It's so obvious these two were cosplaying man.. can't u tell? XD

2nd pic of the cosplay ppl. They shud read d rules first next time..

3 Real japanese girls... At first I mistook the black shirt girl for the same girl that I took my most awesome pic in my life... =) too bad wasn't her...

This was the pic I took in Bon Odori 2008. Awesome background effects. She din perform this year...

OMG man.. The girl was so cute. I asked the dad for a pic and the girl willingly came. KAWAII! HAHA, Calvin, thx for taking for me. U din wan to take urself, so dun blame me yea.. XD

The only fella in the whole event that had the traditional japanese umbrella. Of course must take pic lar.. XD

Real japanese, seriously man... They were talking so fast I barely had the chance to understand. I just caught some main words only.. T.T

Somehow, the only "stunning" red kimono I saw. She's a fake Japanese though.

And then I saw this picture. Okay, now let me explain my main intention of this picture. I did not meant to take pic of the red hair guy. Instead I was taking the pic of the Wan Ton's in kimono's. (In case u deno, Wan Ton's means.... MALAI REN... I saw d pic only realize d red hair guy.. XD)

Me and Calvin bought Sake.. RM6 per cup. Drank but not drunk. Throat hot but not burning.

Girl behind was Rebecca who joined us after me and Calvin arrived about one hour plus later. Luckily she was rather sociable.. I dun reli noe her even thou same sec skul be4 but at least can chat lar...

Calvin's bro. Followed school bus. ALAH! Becoz of u lar I had to find my own way home... T.T

Pls refer back to violation number 1, you pink dressing cosplayer... XD

Here you have almost the whole view of the ppl in the stadium. Estimated about 20k? or more... A lot of ppl.

Then we have the dances... For more information regarding the dances, pls see the few links below... It's on youtube but it's last years dances... Same this year.. I was inside it, dancing and enjoying myself. Quite fun as I yelled and cheered quite often...

http://www.youtube.com/user/arkchong#play/uploads/0/d38dT6mxflc - 1st dance

http://www.youtube.com/user/arkchong#play/uploads/1/nHbPw1KcFSk - 2nd dance

http://www.youtube.com/user/arkchong#play/uploads/2/gYuq4N7vaFo - 3rd dance

So roughly, this is it. I have like so many more photos but not the time to show every one of them. I'm sorry. This is how the event ended lar. Din stay back for fireworks, too bad.

Alright... I need to continue on a story that I've been writing. I know it's 12.30am d. But I wanna finish one chapter or so. If it can make her smile, I'm going to write a chapter of "Voices of a Distant Star"...

IF ONLY SHE COULD BE BY MY SIDE.. BUT SHE'S ASLEEP.. SWEET DREAMS, DEAR.. =)

2009-07-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

Kian Seong wants her to know that :

he loves her.
he wants to be with her
he's hoping she would love him forever
he's willing to change for her
she's the only one he has left
she makes him smile and lightens his days
there is always sadness and happiness in relationship
and that we can overcome the sadness everytime
every time after the rain (sad moments), an average of two rainbows appear.
The rainbow's name are "KIAN SEONG" n "Y*** **"
In that rainbow lies smiles that will light up the sky once more

AND NEVER EVER SAY I LOVED THE WRONG PERSON..
THERE CAN BE NO OTHER THAT CAN FILL THAT EMPTY SPACE BESIDE ME..

Hopefully until death do we part...

AND HE MEANT EVERYTHING HE SAID ABOVE...

2009-07-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

No Time Blog...

In IT lab now.. making quick post... Very bored man. Later got English Essay Test 2-4pm.

DENG LOR... Haven't study yet... =)

Got to make sure my IT project is done soon. GTG BB!

2009-07-10T06:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in a very sad mood now...

Depressing in fact.

1) Fall out with the one i love...

2) Ppl placing their hopes on me to join Taylor's Frisbee Competition but I crushed their hopes...

3) Bon Odori might not happen...

Elaboration on first point is not needed. It's my personal life. I love her. Tat's all everyone needs to know. And I need her to be by my side. I'm willing to forget everything that's happened and start anew with her. If she's reading this... I wanna say -

"I'M SORRY... PLEASE FORGIVE MY FOOLISHNESS..."

Second, there's suppose to be a Frisbee Competition tomoro, held by Taylor's. As the treasurer, or so I'm told i was during start of the year, I shud be joining.

But I did not. I have exams next week and tomoro my dad asked me to do some errands for him. I hope you guys can understand. My hand itches to get that feel once more. The sensation of running till out of breath for the team and catch the disc at the end zone. But I have my problems. So I can't make it. Forgive me. I've disappointed you guys and I'm apologizing in front of everyone.

Lastly is the icing on the cake on my depression status. Bon Odori. My most happy upcoming event of the year is not going to happen. This year it was suppose to be spend with Calvin and Louise Tan. But I just received news that i cannot hitch a ride on the Catholic bus and there's no transport. Louise on the other hand did not know about it until today. When the forms had to be recollected. My parents planned a Port Dickson trip on that week somemore. I really want to cry at the thought of it...

Please... I would really appreciate it if you could be here for me. Right when I need you the most...

2009-07-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

I DO (CHERISH YOU)

All I am, all I'll be

Everything in this world

All that I'll ever need

Is in your eyes

Shining at me

When you smile I can feel

All my passion unfolding

Your hand brushes mine

And a thousand sensations

Seduce me 'cause I

Chorus

I do cherish you

For the rest of my life

You don't have to think twice

I will love you still

>From the depths of my soul

It's beyond my control

I've waited so long to say this to you

If you're asking do I love you this much

I do

In my world, before you

I lived outside my emotions

Didn't know where I was going

'Till that day I found you

How you opened my life

To a new paradise

In a world torn by change

Still with all my heart

'Till my dying day

~1314520~

2009-07-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

Do you noe that every night, I wished I was able to think of a bedtime story to tell you. Just as you are about to sleep, so you can rest well in comfort. But I can't think of simple short stories that are interesting and nice. I'm sorry...

I am still hoping for a day when I can read to you a bedtime story. <3

And then when you're asleep, I can be right next to you, keeping you safe from harm. Surrounding you with love and warmth that'll drive away all nightmares.

To watch over you and protect you, I'm hoping for that day to come... <3

2009-06-28T21:16:00.001-07:00

TAGGED BY LOUISE TAN

Rules:

- Pick 12 people from your blog link list. (i picked 6, no mood write 12 coz i can't write bout sum1)
- You can also include the person who tagged you among the 12 people.
- State how old they are.
- State how you met them.
- State when you met them.
- State the most memorable thing he/she said to you.
- State the most memorable thing he/she did with you.
- State what will make/remind you think of them.
- Tag all the 12 of them after you finish the tag.
- Remind all 12 of them that they are tagged.
- The people who are tag can retag the person who are tagged.
- ENJOY!

*Please note that I can only talk about the people in my blog link..

1) Thong Xin Lin, 18

Knew her since Form 1. Same class with me. Smart and intelligent. Not bad in sports. Rumah Kuning member, very strong. The thing that I remember about her most was when she told me, "Kian Seong, be strong..." That happened during Form 4 when we were in a program called Young Entrepeuner. I was head of ICT that time, many problems aroused. Then this year a bit of problem too. So I seeked her for advice. The time we went to KL to collect our YE prize. OMG! She totally ate alot more than me during lunch buffet. T.T I think as long as any one mentions about YE or Corporation, Axcellor, I will definitely think of her.

2) Louise Tan, 17

When I was Form 3, I think, she was my junior. A probay. So I decided to be more sociable and talk to my juniors. She was one of the first that chatted back with me. The most memorable thing ar... Erm.. "Don't cry.. Kian Seong." She said it during this years funeral. Yee Sook's, a very special friend of mine passed away during CNY. Most memorable thing we did together was also at Yee Sook's funeral. I think I cried more than her. Just say BRATS and she'll be the first one that comes to mind. XD

3) Tan Wei Kuang, 18

When I was in Standard 3 or 4. Let's see, stupid friend of mine who played chess with me almost every morning. CHinese chess. Let's see. Most memorable thing he said to me... "Kian Seong, dun NOOB!" We rarely go out together. Only when our friend, Ziang comes back from Singapore, only we go out together. He taught me CC wan. Just sing out this poem

"KUANG, KUANG, KUANG, KUANG;

HUJAN TURUN RENYAI RENYAI!"

I'll surely remember him.. XD

4) Chum Jia Da, 18

During Form 1, who can forget this gay companion of mine. xD Alright, let's see... I met him after he poked my freshly injured leg with a broom stick. He got scolding from the teacher. Haha.. most memorable thing he said to me? He said many things to me before lar... But most memorable thing is "Aiya.......". Whenever something not important, he'll start with the word Aiya. Most memorable thing done with him? HAHA! This is a very good question. We used our CASIO calculators as SMS machines. Kept talking to each other everyday, every period. Teacher can't even catch us. NEH NEH BOO BOO! =D I think about him whenever I see or hear about hearing aids, or Tracy...

5) Nicole Kwan, 19

During Form 3 only I got close to her. My favorite Ketua Harian during my librarian days. Most memorable thing she said... "Kian Seong, go mop floor!" xD The most memorable thing she did was flirt around with Guo Yaw... Or was it the other way round. They seem like the worst couples ever.. I will think of her whenever I'm asked about my ex-Ketua Harian. =)

6) Liow Chern Jung, 18

During Form 4, same class with him. Let's see... I can remember that I had to talk to him just to get to Calvin. Coz he and Calvin gay partners, like me and Jia Da. He is kinda gay, but one of my close frens. He's there when u nid him, he jokes, makes u laugh, and does girlish actions very often. But that's what make's him special. What he said to me ar... "Kian Seong, Sim Hoi (make way)".. Lolz.. I remember him most when he got us practise for Singing thing during graduation day. Jus think of gay will direct me to him. XD

2009-06-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

During the mornings, I would like to say this to you... And put a smile on your face that'll last forever. =)

And times when I would miss you, which is ever so often, I wish I could tell others that you were really pretty, and that you meant everything to me.

And when I love you too much, it feels as if I've been infected by some sort of love disease. One that bonds us closer and makes me think of you almost every single second.

And when I'm alone, I would put my hands and feet together to form the shape of a heart to remember how my heart is like...

I know you hate loneliness very much, I wish I can be there with you, by your side. But when I can't, these are the words that I hope you'll always remember. =)

And then there is the difference between our way of living and age. But that isn't a problem. Because I am willing to wait for a lifetime. =)

2009-06-24T17:15:00.001-07:00

Enjoy the gross out!

Fun facts from Infection Control

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 36 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breathe in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...
...and wash your hands!

2009-06-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

WEIRD FACTS

1. Fingernails grow four times faster than toenails

2. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people

3. If you rub an onion on your foot – within 30 – 60 minutes you will be able to taste it – this is because it travels through the blood stream

4. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath (if you hold it until you go unconscious, you begin to breath normally as soon as you do)

5. On one square inch of human skin there are 20 million microscopic creatures

6. Armadillos are the only creatures apart from men that can catch leprosy – there are known cases of armadillo to human transfers of the disease

7. A snail can sleep for 3 – 4 years – during which period it does not need food

8. Giraffes can live longer without water than camels

9. The songs of humpback whales can change dramatically from year to year, yet each whale in an oceanwide population always sings the same song as the others

10. The forces required to remove a foot from quicksand at a speed of one centimeter per second would require the same amount of force as “that needed to lift a medium-sized car.”

11. To test if a pearl is real, you can rub vinegar on it – the composition of the pearl will cause it to bubble furiously

12. Goldfish kept in a dark room turn much paler – and if it wasn’t for the color in the food they eat, they would turn completely white

13. Unlike normal bees, the Queen bee’s stinger is not barbed and can be used repeatedly without harming her

14. Quicksand doesn’t directly kill humans as it is usually not very deep at all – it is the fact that it can be incredibly difficult to remove yourself from quicksand that causes death by the environment – such as exposure.

15. Oysters can change between being female or male

16. Men are over 30% stronger than women on average, especially in the upper body, and men’s brains are heavier than women’s

2009-06-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

Yap Jing Hoong

buddy and pal of class S4 - Taylors - 2009

Brother... But also a Ciao Ah Kua... XD jus kiddin..

Talent - Sleeping in class, dun care about teacher at all... XD

Came my house few times d... U have no idea wat he and Wai Yew were doing in MY ROOM! I was standing at one side staring at Wai Yew bullying Jing Hoong, trying to rip his pants off after JH joked about WY's big butt... KAKAKA...

NOOB face posed by Jing Hoong... This was taken the last day he was with us. He came my house and took a picture wif my representative.. XD

Here, me, Jing HOong and Yen Ping went for steamboat together. Somewhere near Pyramid, called TASTY STEAMBOAT... Me n Jing Hoong really enjoyed and spent our RM20 well... Yen Ping... haiz... eat so little. wasting only... XD

Brothers for life. Except the fact now one gone d. The 3 of us very close wan. Me, JH n Wai Yew. Me and Wai Yew always bully Jing Hoong wan. Try pulling down his pants and all sorts of crazy stuff... XD But still... we're brothers... =)

It's sad that not everyone could make it. Only 6 of us, but Kenny had to leave early as he had to return home. Thus leaving the 5 of us having dinner at Vietnam Kitchen.

From left : Alvin, Me, JH, Yen Ping, Wai Yew... Frens 4eva... Brothers man... =)

HISTORY: First knowing him, i never really joined him. I started sitting wif Catholic-mates at the start of the year. But they left me. Two of them joined other classes after knowing that they don't like some subjects chosen by them. So i sat wif Alvin. Then, I got so bored in class, I moved and sat behind Wai Yew, next to Jing Hoong as he was always emo.

Relationship problem. Only few know. I'm the few... XD

So i comfort him, teach him and was with him everytime. We're alot alike in characters. And we love ballads. Check both our phones and you won't find any techno or loud music in it at all... Common interest. =) Den for a month or so, we played Pool together. I became his sifu as I became geng faster. Den I taught him until he turned pro too. XD I dam geng. But now, no more ppl play wif me d. Wai Yew prefer NOT to play. Eugene, hari-hari also dapao me... No JH, No Life...

We did many things together after we got close. Then of coz there were times that I really din help him at all.. Eugene splashed water on JH's back during toilet fight, all wet man... It was every man for himself, I ran away as I was wearing white. If wet, sure see through wan... XD Sry bro!

There are so many things, so many jokes that we've shared. Me, JH and Wai Yew. If not den Me, JH and Yen Ping. Of coz I had been through quite a long emo period, but he was there to disturb me and get my mind off it. Thank you very much, Hoong.. =)

Oh yea.. Sry to tell u that u failed Malaysia Studies. Luckily u left in time, so dun nid retake.. XD

I miss you... Please cari me when u're free... Den we go out again.. =)

Me, U, Wai Yew & Yen Ping.

The 3 of us miss u very much...